Life with no cause

Life for me has never been easy. I've always been a vulnerable kid; someone who was always an easy target for others to pick on. I began noticing this trend when I was in the fourth grade. I was a shy fourth grader and I had just started attending a private elementary school. The name of the school was Leslie Ellis. Through my one year at the school, I did not make many friends. There was this girl named Lydia who would constantly punch me and call me names until I hid in the corner and cried. Then there was this other kid, named Donato. He and I had a love/hate relationship. One day we would be the best of friends. The next day, we hated each other's guts. On a cloudy April's day, Donato and I were playing blackjack. I caught him cheating and I accused him of it but he continuously denied it. We got into a big argument until our teachers had to break it up. He talked to us privately and told us to make up and shake hands. We did as requested but as soon as our teacher left, Donato told me that he no longer was my friend. This broke my heart. We went to art class and I chose to sit as far away from Donato as possible. Yet, the whole time, he was throwing crumpled pieces of paper at me. I told him to stop repeatedly but to no avail. I had enough. And then I did something that I did the unspeakable. I picked up the nearest object and clenched it in my hands. It was scissors. I walked towards him and stabbed him in the arm with the scissors. My whole life, I have never been violent. But as the aggression towards me grew worse, I reached my boiling point. Donato later changed schools that week and that would be my first and last year at the school. There is not one day that goes by where I regret my actions. 

I went back to my previous school, hoping to be as well liked as before. That was not the case. People quickly learned of what I did as they began harassing me. This carried on into middle school. But it got even worse. People would throw food at me and call me names like gay, fag, dumbass, jackass, fatass. It got so bad that I had to tell the principal. When the kids found out that I told him, they began bullying me because I "snitched." There were times when I would beg my mother for me not to go to school because I didn't want to get hurt. When I played football for the middle school team, I missed a tackle on a player who eventually scored a touchdown. We lost that game by three touchdowns. But, people wanted to blame someone for the loss, so they blamed me. Another time I fumbled the football when we were close to scoring. Then everyone began harassing me for fumbling at the "one yard line". Everyone makes mistakes. But whenever I made a mistake, small or big, I would get teased for it. I began to fear myself as a person because I never wanted to make a mistake. Then there was this girl named Gabby who I had a crush on. One day she asked me out and, while trying to hold back my excitement, I said yes! Two weeks later, I found out that she was dared to ask me out by a couple of her friends and that she never had feelings for me. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do with myself. Everyday I had wanted my life to end. But I was too afraid about what happpened after death. No one would ever stand up for me. Not one person and it felt like I didn't belong on this earth anymore. I tried so hard to be kind to others only to get smacked in the faced and treated as if I never existed. 

When middle school finally ended, I went to a private high school called Chapel Hill Chauncy Hall. I was glad to make a change. Finally, I could start my life all over again. That ended up not being the case. It turned out that I was going to school with one of Donato's best friends and he recognized my name from the numerous stories Donato told him. Including the scissor incident. My dreams of starting fresh didn't last long because Donato's friend, named Jonny, began telling everyone about the scissor incident. And every time he saw me, he told me not to stab him with scissors. Then, during Sophomore year, Jonny became more aggressive towards me and went from verbal abuse to physical abuse. When there were no teachers around, he would begin punching me and tell me he wants to kill me. People who I thought were my friends looked on as he would constantly punch me in the arm. They never told him to stop. Just the opposite. Instead, they encouraged him to hit me and told me to hit him back. I never did. I would go home with bruises blistered up and down my arm. Sometimes he would punch me so much that my arm would feel no pain, just numbness. Eventually, the dean of students found out and spoke with me. I told him the story and he told me he would take care of it. He never did. It continued to the end of the year.

i never felt loved. People who I thought cared about me would go out of their way to harm. there are times when I have mental breakdowns because of the horrors that these kids have caused. My mother and father have always known about the bullying I faced. But, what bothered me most, is that they always wanted me to fight through it. I was worried about my safety when I went to school and pleaded to my parents for me to stay home. But, to my parents, education is the mot important thing in the world. So they never wanted me to miss a school day. This felt like it made life worse. I mean, there were days when I couldn't even lift up my left arm because it was bruised to badly. I was shoved against walls, hit in the face and body as well as verbally abused. Looking back at my life, I am honestly surprised that I am still alive. i don't know how I have been able to live through years of torment that these kids have caused me. They have ruined my life and have made me emotionally scarred. I used to be a kid bursting with energy. I used to talked hours on end about anything. But now, I am anti social, suffering from depression,  and I am no longer am able to talk to girls the same way I was able to before because of what Gabby did to me. What started as a joke has forever scarred me because I thought someone finally cared about me. I've felt lost, I've been judged and I've been abused. But, this will no longer hold me back as I'm now stronger than I've ever have been. 

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