only 14 and hating life as it goes on.

everyday is the same day., same pain. feeling broken. suicidal. depressed.  useless . ugly.. fat... waste of space.. and worse.

I get made fun of every.freaking.DAY. I cant even go out anymore. when people see me, they yell out "there goes the fat girl!" all the fcking pain I deal with... ( I will try to watch my language ; sorry if I do swear and if it offends anyone...)

im over weight. fat . fat . fat. thats what I am. fat. and ugly. hideous.

last year in 7th grade...is when things started getting worse.. yeah when you're in 6th grade or below people make fun of you. but it wouldn't be bad as whats going on today when you're older and learning new.... "words" ? like fatass, whore, slut, bitch, all that... that stuff really does hurt.

but like what I was saying... last year is when stuff got bad. peoples hurtful words really got to me. every night I hear those life ruiners' voices saying the hurtful shit they said.  I cried my self to sleep EVERY NIGHT. and still do. Last year , in the beginning of may... like today ; is when I took that razor blade across my wrist. that one little cut .. Changed everything.. I knew about self harmers, and didn't want people in my school to know..so I did it all over my upper thighs.  I was scared when I did that first cut.. "what am I doing?" "is this right" "do I go deeper"  all those questions in my head... voices in my head took over once again. last summer it was bad . I cut my thighs ALL THE TIME. even over little things. thats how weak I felt. but when I really did that damage, it wasn't because of the bullying (b/c school was out) I cut more in the summer because of my............parents. yes them. my dad mostly. and my mom too I guess. but when ever we argued and when it was bad, I went to the bath room and took out the blades to cut. I remember it was a lot of the summer nights I would selfharm. it was so bad....and then I realized, all of a sudden I really did care about my weight, when really I didn't care before. and then I realized I was sad...a lot. listened to A LOT  sad music.  it helped me tho.

im in my 8th grade this year, a little over a month, and I graduate from there. im glad im leaving that hell place. things are still bad :/

I have NO ONE to talk to at school, and I do have "friends" I guess but they would probably leave me If I were to say anything about me self harming , being suicidal, and being depressed... they would just leave.  I know that bc they always joke about cutting , etc. and they think its funny. meanwhile I hear them laugh/joke about it I get angry and hurt because they don't even know who I am anymore. -.- :/

I bet if your reading this, you might be like "shut up already" well, im done.

god bless.