Almost 6 feet under

I was always the oddball out. I was bullied my entire life until I made the decision  to stop the chaos. When I was a kid I didn't have friends. I was the tomboy who was really shy. Everyone has set opinions; but why should my appearance reflect who I am? They didn't know my personality. They didn't give me a chance. They saw that I was different and attacked my so called weakness of not "fitting in". I was thrown in trash cans, called squirrel face... every degrading thing you can think of happened to me. 

My family wasn't the most functional as a kid, there was abuse and neglect. I raised myself from the ground up. maybe I was a bit weird because I didn't know how to handle certain situations. I didn't get new shoes every year or a new wardrobe. My teachers would ask me if I was getting enough food. My clothes were usually covered in dirt. I never spoke up about the bullying until later on in life. 

Elementary and middle school were the worst for me. I was growing into my body and I was the shortest person for years. I didn't have any self esteem, no self confidence.

Middle school was new grounds for everyone. Its when you experience new things, get in more trouble, make mistakes. Well I got in a lot of trouble. I tried new things. I was finding ways to escape myself and that eventually led to drugs. No reason to glorify it because my life took a dismal turn. It escalated quickly and the more I got bullied the more I used. My sisters made fun of me and locked me out of the house, tied me up while I was sleeping, beat me up, told me I was a hideous winch. I was being bullied everywhere and finally one day I took a stand. Maybe the wrong way to go about it...but I ended up fighting the meanest girl in school. She had been bullying me since Kindergarten... I cracked her skull and got kicked out. I had so much anger built up that I couldn't control it. I eventually got to come back but no one looked at me the same. Everyone was terrified of me now. Great right? Not really. People talk and people exaggerate. Double ended sword. I regretted what I did but I apologized repeatedly. I didn't want to become that person. I knew I was better than that but it happened so quick that I don't even remember what I did. 

I kept doing drugs and it got really bad really fast. Hitting high school I was doing all sorts, no need for names. I started boxing to unleash some know, in a controlled environment. I started skipping class because people are still terrified of me. They called me off the wall names. I didn't belong, no one would sit next to me. Well one day I had enough again. But this time I had a meltdown from hell. I cried and screamed for hours. I tried to kill myself. Didn't work. My mom checked me into a hospital and for the next 4 months I sat in a psych ward with no shoelaces and crossword puzzles. I was diagnosed schizoaffective. Took 30 pills a day and was a zombie. That started the cycle of being hospitalized for 4 years straight. Drug abuse played a major role in these ventures. But I finally sat down and talked about what I went through and got help and asked for help. It was the first real step I took to get through the rough patch of life. 

I've been free from the loony bin for over a year now. Its a huge transition I am still adjusting to but I have a job, a car, and some of my life back. It takes time to heal but its worth it. I'm 20 years old and I can say that things get better with time. I still struggle but not like I used to. I'm completely off all medicine and I'm weird again but its who I am and I've found people that accept my flaws. 

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