I've always had a problem with bullying. I thought it was normal, I thought it was okay. Ever since I can remember, I've been verbally harassed. I didn't want to go to school, because I knew someone would make fun of me. Then, I started Junior High, and everything got worse. It seemed like everyone was ganging up on me. Always saying something mean about my hair, my outfits, my makeup, my weight, my awkwardness, they'd always find every single flaw and expose it. It hurt me so much, hearing that every single day. That was the beginning of it. Then people started fighting me. I didn't do anything, people just decided they didn't like me so they'd punch me or shove me into lockers. It was so demeaning, being pushed around helplessly in front of everyone. People kept telling me I should just go kill myself. At first, I just pushed all these comments away. Then they started getting inside my head. Were my outfits really stupid? Was my hair really that weird? Was my face really ugly? Was I really that fat? I decided I was. I let them get the best of me, and I believed everything that they said. I changed my style to what I thought they'd be okay with. I cut my hair. I caked on as much makeup as I could to make myself prettier. I stopped eating to make myself skinnier. It didn't work. They still found something. "You wear so much makeup, geez you're so fake." "You cut your hair? It's even uglier." "You changed your style? Why are you trying so hard to be like everyone else? Wannabe." Their words kept repeating in my mind, over and over. I was ugly. I was stupid. The world would be better off without me. I wasn't sure who I was. Was I this fake person that everyone created, and yet hated? Or was I the old person, the one everyone hated more? Or was I someone else? I didn't know. I kept listening to them, changing everything they said I should. Eventually, I became so consumed by changing myself that I forgot who I really was. Even though I was trying so hard to change myself to fit their 'perfect' image, the bullying just got worse. Constant name calling...constantly being shoved into lockers...constantly getting into fights against my will. I dreaded going to school. I stopped sleeping so that I could postpone school for a few hours more. I thought that maybe if I didn't sleep, morning wouldn't come. Everything just got worse, I kept changing and changing and changing. I had no idea who I really was, and no one else did either. Then, I hit my breaking point. I cried, and cried, and cried. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to die, that was the one wish I hadn't fulfilled by my bullies. I just wanted to stop hurting. I just wanted to be happy. I was so depressed. Then I didn't want to die anymore. (Thanks Alex) Then my best friend dropped me, and I wanted to die again. He was my everything. He left a huge hole in my heart, I don't know how to fill it. I'm just so empty. That's where I am now. I guess I don't know where my story ends yet...Hopefully it gets better.
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