Times get hard..

My name is Melissa, some people call me Mels. I'm 17. I have been bullied ever since elementary school. It started out with this boy I rode the bus with calling me a lesbian in fifth grade. I didn't know what it meant and it's not really even an insult, but the fact that he made it sound like an insult hurts me now. I have been home schooled since 6th grade mostly because I was afraid of new people, and a bit scared of getting lost in a bigger school. Which brought me to the internet more. I have been internet bullied since 6th grade or before. I had Myspace, Formspring, and other website accounts. They parents don't see what all is there. I understand why the kids don't tell them either, even the kids say stuff back or they say stuff that gets them in trouble. That's how I had been. Since I was in 9-10 I cut myself. I would NEVER suggest that to ANYONE. It's addictive, like a perfect high for your feelings. I questioned my sexuality. I've been made fun of for almost everything I do or want to do. I dye my hair crazy colors because I like it. People stare and make fun of it. I've even had parents tell me I'm a bad influence because I looked "rebellious." Let me tell you, I am rebellious. I don't go by what society wants, I do by what is good for me and what I like. I haven't cut in about 2 months and I'm proud of myself, I did it all on my own. There were no therapists this time, no friends really helping me out. I could sit and talk to a complete stranger and they understand more than my friends would. Now, my 3 best friends know I've stopped. They know I wanted to stop. It's still no as easy. Sometimes I want to do it, but I stop myself and think, "what if my blade goes too deep?" "What if I die tonight?" I'm not someone to go and get help. In fact, all the time I've been bullied my parents didn't know anything about it except for once or twice. My parents don't know that I've cut as much as I have. They don't know I'm bisexual. They don't know a lot of things I do to be happy with myself because I'm afraid they will judge me. I'm not afraid of my church judging me, just my family. My friends know. 

Some times I think about how even know I still get called names. I like to game like on xbox 360. I'll be in a Modern Warfare 3 lobby waiting for the game to start and all you hear is people talking bad about each other and how they are better than each other. Sometimes they will say my name and they'll ask if I'm a girl or a "squeaker" (Also known as a little boy which hasn't hit puberty get). When I tell them I'm a girl they will call me an "attention whore" because I like to play games or they will say "You're probably fat and ugly anyway." Anyone hearing things like that, it makes you just want to give up sometimes. Me being a girl and knowing that I want to look good and I want to be skinny, it just doesn't work that way with a low metabolism all the time. Having an under active thyroid makes it more difficult to lose fat. I've even had an eating disorder and my best friend, John, helped me out of it.

I've thought about not doing what I like to do because I get called these names. Even sometimes I hear people calling me a bitch or a faggot and I not even say a word to them. I will admit I'm guilty of calling names too because I get tired of it. All these people do is sit behind their screens and making fun of a girl because it makes them feel powerful.

I'm trying to be happy now, I'm not cutting anymore. I'm working out as much as I can and dieting. I'm so happy to have more friends and I just ignore the people on xbox because they don't know what I look like and the only one who can judge how I look is me and I am stunning. <3

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