I spent the days of third grade through Jr High dreading school. Not because of sitting in class or homework. I hated going to school because everyday more than a few people would find ways to belittle me. Never any physical violence (I'd probably prefer that) but all emotional put-downs. They would make fun of my hair, clothes, face, and anything I said. They would make up things about me like, "I just saw her pick her nose and eat it." Everyone would believe it, I suppose because they weren't courageous enough to stick up for me. The worst was when it was crossing the sexual line. I remember hearing in 6th grade, "You'll never get your period because you are too ugly to have babies." I was maybe a little different personality, I dressed in low-priced clothing, I was quiet and sensitive. At the time I felt like I must be less than them because everyone else it seemed was telling me so. I couldn't escape it, no matter how hard I tried. I tried having my hair perfect and tried liking what they liked. It was no use. I tried making different friends but there were only a couple people that would dare to be seen with me. I couldn't tell my Mom or the teacher. It was embarrassing and I feared making it worse. There was even an indifferent teacher that I swore saw things happen and never said anything. I cried so many nights and even thought about ending it all. I clung on to the hope that one day I'd be away from these people. Diana was my saving grace that carried me through those hard years. Diana was a special friend that went to daycare at my Mom's house. She is a year older than me and was naïve to what was going on with me. I started going to her youth groups. There I found the love and life of Jesus to lift my spirits. Still then, I was too broken to feel good enough about myself to even stand up against anyone at school. But, I feel that it got me through. Even when the criticizing stopped, I still had many inferiority issues. I never had many friends through high school. I was not very close to them. It was always in my subconscious that they were hanging out with me out of pity, that they'd never come to anything if I invited them, and I was constantly worried about being judged. I was very quiet after that and no wonder. When all your peers used to shoot down your ideas and find a way to twist your words, you kind of get that way. Thank God for college! It took me a year into it, of being away from the people who nearly ruined my life, to get more comfortable with myself. I made some good friends and gained a strong foothold on self worth. I'm still a bit on the quiet side, but I have broken out of my shell from where I was. I'm okay with myself now. The funny thing is, I'm not angry at the bullies anymore. I've come to peace with the way my life played out. I'm married, two kids, successful carrier (success is the best revenge, right?), and living in my dream suburb. Although I still struggle with the emotional effects, I'm doing okay.
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