Falling while healing

Hello, my name is Ellamore and I'm currently 17 years old. I have been bullied for quite a while and until recently, can I say that the wounds on my heart are closing. Slowly but healing. The scars on my body and my mind are even greater. One day I hope to be free from my past and that I can move forward on my own, while having my friends next to me.

It all began in elementry school. I was about 7 years old when things started to change. My classmate began to shut me out, calling me names such as: "fat ass, potatoe, ugly" and many others. At the end of elementry school had I no friends left and was I alone with out any self esteem. In high school did my life take the worst turn. After being 3 months in class noticed that I was different and because of that was I pushed away and the name calling began again.

In my second year made I a big mistake.  Because I had no way of letting everything out kept I everything cropped up inside me. And on one day was it too much for me and couldn't I take it anymore. I was numb al the time and when I found a way too release the numbness was it already too late. By that time had I made the first cut on my body, and something in me knew that there way no way back anymore. This contiued for at least 3 years.

I was so sick of feeling alone that I had planned a suicide. Everything was planned into every single detail. A week before the suicide date received I a invite to a birthday party. At first didn't I wanted to go, thinking about the thing what the could do to me. But something in me told me to go, I canceled my suicide and went to the party. I was very nervous to be around 6 people in one room. But after the party met I quite often the host of the party. At first was I really reserved and quiet not knowing what to except. The more we met the livier it became, and eventually told I her a big part of what had happened in my past. I was able to smile again, not having to worry to be 'unseen'. We both have felt loneley and had the feeling of being left out. But I think because of that... Is it that what made us best-friends.

After entering a new school found I 2 more friends and they may not know everything about me yet, but I trust them and I hope the four of us can even go futher in our friendship. So that we can spend our time having fun. And I can proudly say "I will survive"

But there is still a huge part inside of me who lives in the darkness, and reminds me of how weak I am. The lightness around me have touched me deeply, thank to that am I able to say: "No, I'm not completly fine yet, but I know with the way I am going know that I will be". 

This is my past, present and future. Because after all the things I went trough can I only say "Thank You, my dearest friends".

Ellamore Devill (Pen-Name)

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