Everything Starts Where It Ends

Hello, my name is Carri. I'm 18 years old, and I attend Cleveland State University. I major in Early Childhood Education. I want to be a teacher to spread the love of learning. I'm one of the happiest people I know, and I absolutely love everything and everyone in my life. However, my life hasn't always been this perfect. In fact; just a little over 4 years ago, I didn't even want to exist anymore.

It all started in middle school. 6th grade was the beginning. I was being constantly picked on. I have always had long hair, and when I was younger it was harder to tame my hair so it was sort of frizzy. Kids would call me afro-queen, and tell me that I was ugly. When I would get up every morning to go to school, I would call my mom and tell her that I'm not feeling well or I'm too sick to go to school. I was afraid of them. I couldn't take the teasing anymore.

The bullying died down a little bit in 7th grade, but when 8th grade hit; it took a turn for the worst. 8th grade was the first year that I started being recognized by boys, and I liked the attention. I dyed my hair blonde to make myself more attractive. I even made a lot of friends. I thought I was one of the coolest kids in school, the top of the popularity but I was wrong. These "friends" would manipulate me, use me, and make fun of me and I didn't even realize. I had a best friend, I won't mention her name. I thought she was the only person in the world that understood me, but in reality she was the main cause for all the hurt that followed. She would spread lies about me, that I wanted to have sex with all these different boys, and that I was gross. She even took it as far as telling one of my biggest secrets. A personal thing I have to this day only told a select amount of people. I shared with her because I trusted her (or so I thought). While I was being called a whore, and a bitch I began to believe what people were saying about me. That I was useless, and should kill myself. During this time I didn't exactly have a plan of how I was going to do it, I tried several times to tie a belt to my neck and hang myself but I just couldn't do it. I hated my life, I thought the world would be a better place if I wasn't on it. 

I cut myself.. a lot. At the time, it was the only thing that felt right. I knew that I would get attention from it, too. So I mostly cut myself on my left wrist. I knew the consequences of cutting myself, I knew that it could kill me but I didn't care.

That's when another problem surfaced. I began hearing at lunch how girls would lose weight fast if they would make themselves throw up. And I asked myself if people would like me better if I was skinnier so I decided to try it. Making myself throw up hurt so much, that I couldn't do it. So I decided to stop eating all together. I got the results that I wanted, I was skinny and pretty. But something was always missing. I still felt like I didn't belong. 

Then I met a group of people the "outcasts" and you might think of them. I connected with these people so well. However, there was a major role that made me very different from these people. They liked to do drugs, and smoke marijuana. Still to this day I have never done drugs, drank alcohol, or smoked weed. Being straight-edge was always a part of who I am. That made me different, and my outcast friends didn't like that about me. They mostly ignored it, as long as I didn't say anything about them doing it around me. I wanted to befriend them so badly that I didn't care. I began to have a relationship with one of them, and him and I lasted for a while. But my mom didn't approve of him, so I would go behind her back and see him (big mistake!) He would hit me if I complained about him doing drugs, so I kept my mouth shut. Eventually I grew tired of him so I began talking to other boys, and had broke it off with him. But somehow, and even to this day I still don't know how but he would always get my cell phone number (which I change many, many times) and constantly harass me. 

Summer of 2010, I was still cutting. I began talking to a boy named Alexander. Him and I started dating that July and have been happy ever since. He helped me cope a lot with the depression, and the cutting. I haven't cut myself since August of 2010, and I'm very proud to say that.

Honestly, even today I still have urges to hurt myself. That feeling doesn't go away, however I remind myself how beautiful the world is. I remind myself that I am needed here, and that I play a role in this world. 

I was born to love others, and be loved by others.

I am a survivor. A survivor of bullying, of depression, and of the world. I'm a warrior. 

I'm completely healthy now. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. 

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