It all started when I was really young, I guess you could say I went through all of it at a young age. It started in kindagarten, I had no friends and I was bullied a lot. That went on until about second grade when I finally made some friends, but I didn't realize until later that they weren't actually my friends. They still talked about me behind my back, it got worse and worse in fourth grade. I remember crying myself to sleep and dreading the fact that I had to go to school. In fourth grade I wasn't just emotionally abused anymore. Only one person physically did it to me though, it was a girl who left and then came back. No one liked her so I tried to befriend her, I was her only friend but she would punch, elbow, just did anything to inflict pain on me. I told no one, I remember he birthday party, she invited a lot of people and I was the only one who went but she just ignored me the entire time. My mom knew she was rude to me and had tried to get me to stand up for myself but I never did. She asked me why I went and I told her she had no friends and I was her only one. I was taught to kill them with kindness, but what I didn't know is that I had to stand up for myself too. Fifth grade was the worst though, all of the bullying was even worse. I was transferring schools the next year to a huge rival one because that was where my older brother went. It was weird though, as much as I hated school, as much as I was bullied I wanted to stay there. I guess it was because I was scared it would be worse at the new school.
The summer before I moved, I don't know what happened, but that's when the depression hit. I was in sixth grade and once again I had no friends, I didn't know how to make friends. I did have one though, and that was only because I had gone to school with her before and I knew her, she was one of the only real friends I ever had. I remember coming home and I just sat there, doing nothing. I just stared at the wall and did nothing. My mom kept trying to get through to me but it never worked, I only pushed her away more. All the teachers at my new school knew my older brother and that made it worse.
My brother started school early, skipped a grade, always got straight A's, did so many clubs, sports, my brother is a genious and is so athletic. I always compared myself to him when I shouldn't of have. He got A's without trying while I struggled for B's. I always felt like the dumb child next to him and my little sister.
I would cry myself to sleep, every. Single. Night. I would always hope that the next day would be better, but it never was. The next summer was worse, I wanted to do absolutly nothing, I sat on my computer and its embaressing to me but I read fanfictions to get my mind off of it. When school started again my best friend who is truely one of the most trustworthy people ever, came to my school. I thought things were going to be better, I had made friends, I was a little happier. Then I made a new friend, she was new to the school and I befriended her. She was beautiful and confident and smart, I felt so insecure next to her. All the guys liked her, all the guys I liked, liked her. It was hard, but then I found out she was anorexic and bullimic, my best friend and I spent all that year helping her come out of it. On top of that I was the friend everyone came to for advice, I was solving everyone else problems and just pushing off my own so they just hurt even worse when I felt them. That next summer wasn't so bad until I came back to school.
I had become to think of self harm, the idea was terrible yet so tempting to me. I didn't let myself do it though, I had to help my friends before anything. But not only was I thinking of self harm but suicide as well, I never told anyone. I didn't want to have to go to counceling and take anti-depressants. The reason behind not wanting to take them was because they would force me to be happy and I knew that when I would be happy eventually I wanted it to be real, not a drug forcing me to be.
My friend who was previously anorexic told me she had been thinking of suicide, I kept telling her things would get better, I told her I would help her through it. She was home alone and told me it would be so easy to just kill herself then, I saved her that night by staying up and just talking to her. She made me promise not to tell anyone, I wanted to, I wanted to stop her from killing herself. Her parents had already made her go to counceling before and she didn't want to go back. I never told anyone, we were at a football game and she was in tears and she just wanted to kill herself. I was calling my bestfriend who knew about it and I was in tears as well. It ended up she was fine, and now she is happy and okay. That was in the beginning of 8th.
Towards thanksgiving break, I was breaking more and more. I couldn't stop crying at night and I had started having Panic attacks. It was the first or second night of break and I just completely broke and I was home alone sobbing and was trying to tear apart my razor for my legs. That was the first time I selfharmed. I was so ashamed of what I had done I immeaditly texted my two friends I trusted one smacked me and the other told me I was turning into another (Name or friend who was bullimic). That was when I just stopped telling my friends things, I could only trust myself.
I didn't do it again until around January and I couldn't hide it from one friend who was going through the exact same thing I was, but she knew what it was like and we helped eachother through it. I was still broken and had the thought of suicide on my mind, I never would have done it though, I knew I had people who needed me, and I wanted to be alive to help them.
I don't know how I came out of my depression, that is still a mystery to me. But I had kept pushing my family away and most of all my big brother. He had driven me to school all the time in 8th grade and we became closer, he confided in me about things but I never told him anything. I spent all my life telling myself my brother hated me, that he was a huge jerk. But this year he left for college and my mom told me what he did.
She said my six grade year he would always go looking for me to make sure I was okay, he was the one to always ask if I was ok, he was always there but I never knew it. I thought I should have been born into a different family, I thought they didn't love me and they never cared for me. i never realized that family was always there even when I didn't know it. They kept trying to get through to me but I would push them away. I had built these walls that only my brother tore down and I don't think he knows that. Family is always there, even when I turned my back on them, they were there.
My brother is at college and I'm in 9th grade, my first year of highschool and I am finally becoming happy, slowly, but I am getting there. It is strange because all I've ever known is sadness, being happy is strange to me and its a little scary. But now I know what its like to be depressed, to selfharm, and to want to die. And I don't regret any of it because now I want to help people going though it. The biggest thing I learned was you're not alone, you think the whole world may be against you but they aren't. You are strong enough to get through this, I believe in you.
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