I'm 34yrs old, I'm short, slightly off kilter, withdrawn, geeky. Simply put an easy target. Ever since I was very little I've hidden inside my own head, escaping into my own little make believe worlds. I hid behind my books something I still do today and now that I can do yarn crafts I hide behind the yarn. It's a security blanket and no one could hurt me when I was all cocooned like that. It wasn't until I was 28yrs old that I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers but I'm not sure if knowing earlier would have helped or not. Kids are brutal the can tell whose weak and they latch on like a shark smelling blood in the water. I was bullied and harrased on a daily basis at school and when I got home there was no relief because my sister was just vile. I took the usual steps, ignoring them naturally msde it worse. Telling my parents had my sister twisting it so that she was the angel. Telling the teacher - well I was told that if I was different then they would stop. That it was my fault they picked on me. I was even kicked out of confirmation class for snapping back at one bully and refusing to apologize. My mom told the pastor the rest of the class had been picking on me he said that was no excuse and I had to be the one to apologize. It didn't help that during 7th grade my Mom - the person I was closest was diagnosed with brest cancer. My fellow classmates were also allowed to throw, kick or hit me in certain classes because the teachers were leaving and didn't care. I now have RSD and severe pain for the rest of my life because the gym teacher let them beat on me with floor hockey sticks. My Mom passed in 1999 and I'm glad I was out of high school because so many people called me whiney for missing her. That I should be over it. That its no big deal. I've rambled and I'm sorry. My point is I've been off and on psych drugs, seen more doctors then I can remember. Was in the hospital for a suicide attempt that Dad says was just for attention. To this day I still hate myself, I font feel like I'm worthy of living. That I'm nothing. I cang blame it all on the years of bullying but they aren't blameless. Their words and actions are part of the problem which I'm still working on fixing. I work with young kids now which helps me realize how precious every day is. I am also working hard to teach them to be gentle and kind with their friends. I never want to see another child go through what I did if I csn help it. Sorry for incohearent thoughts. Its a lot of memories to try and get down.
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