Last night, I was in my apartment with a new subletter and another fellow roommate. Both the roommate and subletter bullied me violently, saying things which were clearly not true. That I was racist, judgemental, do not have asperger's syndrome, have schizophrenia, only cared about myself and both ganged up on me for a total of two hours. Degrading me, personally hitting me emotionally in shouts and telling me I am a liar.. To the point that I felt psychologically raped and raw ..I feel torn, abused mentally, tossed around and exiled from a place I once called home-sanctuary.
The roommate told me multiple times to my face: "I am a horrible, heartless person that needs to think about others. That I do not care about anyone but myself." I was picked apart and told this is what they think I am like: when the two were completely off base. Both were just asking to cause me hurt and sadness.. No shame of caring what this verbal abuse would do to me then, today and in the long-run. There were other people in the house, besides the two and me.. but they just hid. (This is the second time this has happened to me in this scenario). Just a different state and apartment.. I've been bullied for most of my life, since Grade School. . No one cared. Not the teachers, other fellow classmates, or my parents sadly.. My parents also verbally abused and bullied me at home. So I had no place to run to and be safe.. I was alone. . Broken. Though, it took many years to heal on my own. Though, I am not 'fully repaired.'
Continuing on with last night's apartment bullying:
I was degraded to the point of respect of a child.. No longer a woman. Below them.. and Bullied to what I know shall take years to heal from.
Pretty much, I feel like a monster. Traumatizing someone this deep-cut takes a very long time to heal. and it shatters someone emotionally.
... That happened to me by those two and now all of those years of healing, has happen again.. Verbal abuse/violence damages and it can take years to mend.
All I could do remain emotionally safe was leave.
....So all I have left is myself to heal and breathe it all in alone. I feel very alone and numb.. Isolated.. raw.
I didn't do anything wrong. I am trusting my heart and mind. Not those who are filled with anger, fear and egocentric minds. Hypocrites and people who are filled with such ignorance and blinding hate towards me. I tried to speak up and stand up for myself.. all that happened to me in speaking up was getting badly burned, and whatever I said logically and with care was thrown in the form of hate right back at me ..
My emotions are raw, I am vulnerable, self esteem has been damaged and feeling alone .. even with those who love me, surround me now.. I still feel alone and damaged. Shattered... Sadly, the roommate was once a dear 'kin' friend of mine. . Now I can only say this person is toxic and became a 'monster' herself.. and a very heartless person. No shame or to say she is sorry, or the subletter. In their minds, they are the victims and not me.
..Which is sicking and twisted. :(
Even so: I am very thankful, I have a very concerned and loving boyfriend. I am staying at a friend's house. In the past, many times I was not so lucky to find a safe place to heal.. a sanctuary to lick my emotional wounds and feel safe.. with people who cared.
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