I am 36 years old and last week I left a alcohol and drug rehab after four months of treatment. I was addicted to alcohol, drugs and prescription medication for 20 years of my life. I tried hard to lead an honest life but fall back into crime again and again. Fortunately I was never sentences seriously for what I did. All my life I was convinced that there is something entirely wrong with me. I was bullied in school and was unable to finish college or to study due to concentration problems and general anxiety disorder which I just found out recently. I changed to a new school after primary school when my big family moved to another village. I was scared and I hated everyone because I felt worthless and thought that everyone else feels superior to me. I felt isolated and alone. When I was eleven years old I found out that I was gay and the next hustle started for me to conceal my sexual identity. I did never finish anything successful in my life and my core belief is that I am a loser. When I finally went into treatment after I was picked up by the police to be psychologically evaluated by a doctor, things finally started to fall in place. All my life I was lying and pretending to be somebody else. Nobody knew the real me, not even I did. I tried to be as perfect as possible so nobody can attack or humiliate me. I was diagnosed with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Addiction. All of my childhood I was bullied. Most of it by my own mum. I was abused in nearly any way I can imagine and I didn't even know do to a Dissociative Disorder. When things started to clear up one day, I was like struck by lightning, when I noticed that I also became a bully. Due to my childhood I perceive my environment as hostile and I am very judgmental. When I found out I also discovered that I only bullied weaker people actively. Stronger people I bullied passive aggressive. Both is really pathetic and I really wasn't aware. I dominated people and situations with my demeanor, attitude, speech and even clothes and the wealth I possess (or rather imagined). I thought it is fun to display other peoples' defaults and package it in a joke or gossiping behind their back. I was holding so many resentments towards so many people. And why? Because I am a hurt little boy who is afraid being judged himself. My story is so much longer but it contained bullying all my life. I want to share so much more that all people acting like that can be aware. Now my life is very different. My perspective changed completely and I want to help to change the world or at least my environment. I still can't work due to all the symptoms but I won't force myself right now. I am in constant therapy and go to two support groups a day. The old me is dead and my former life is lost and a nightmare from which I woke up one January 4th - my new birthday.