I have changed the names to single letters for privacy purposes.
I've was bullied for quite a long time. So long,in fact,that I was almost used to it-the taunting,the insults,the laughing. At first,it was the usual elementary name-calling. But it started to get worse in 5th grade.
That year,I made a certain 'friend',we'll call her B. B started off as a genuine friend,but later began to threaten me by saying that if I didn't buy her material items and gifts,she would stop being my friend. She would spread rumors about me,saying that my dad sold drugs. I had no other friends,so it hurt to find that she was never a true friend. But I figured that things would be better next year in middle school,when I had a new start.
I was completely wrong.
It turned out that B was at the same middle school I was at. She threatened to beat me up after school. I didn't do anything. I went home in fear,and said nothing to my parents for 2 days. Finally,I told my dad. He called the school administration to tell them what was happening. All the vice principal did was tell us not to talk to each other. Of course,that didn't work at all. She 'made up' with me,asking to borrow things from me and never returning them. After seeing through her disguise,I learned not to trust her and avoided her. Unfortunately,her brother also happened to harass me,ans kicked my backpack for amusement.Boys would make fun of me,and B and some other girls would throw balls at me in PE.People even stuck gum in my hair. It was hard,but not as difficult as the next year would be.
7th grade came. I had friends,but they later came to hate me.They began ignoring me,and it bothered me. One day,I confronted one of them about it. This friend,let's call her S. S told me that I was annoying. About a month passed by. I forgot how this fallout began,but this one was the worst. A friend of ours,named A,and I began to argue. We were shouting at each other in the gym.I forgot what exactly we said to each other as it was 4 years ago,but I do remember her shouting 'Because nobody f***ing likes you!' at me. Those words I never forgot. I fell into depression. To make things worse,I was moving to another house and school,making me more depressed. Winter Break came,and my family moved into my aunts' home. I never did get to go to my new school though,my dad had heard that many bad things happened there. So I stayed where I was. A and her best friend,my former friend P,were pretty upset to know that I was staying for good. I was lonely and friendless,until a girl named Jessie came up and started talking to me. We soon became friends. She introduced me to some other people,who also made friends with me. Unfortunately,the bullying did not stop. People spread new rumors about me.They would call me a goth/emo wannabe,and said I was the child of the devil. Two kids in my last class,a boy,R,and a girl,O,began to make fun of me. They would push me out of my chair,trip me,throw spitballs and me and hit me. They even made a violent drawing of me in which I was pinned to a wall facing a broken mirror.In the drawing I was getting shot,another girl had a flamethrower,and a friend of mine was shooting arrows at me while my crush at the time was telling them to shoot me.It was horrible. They made that year a living hell for me.I had yet another fallout with 3 friends-F (a boy),V(a girl),and E (also a girl).V would ignore me and try to get others to do the same. She and A would make fun of me. A,who by this time was my arch enemy,would say 'Eww,it's Claudia! You're disgusting,Claudia. Everything about you is disgusting.' I made up with F,V,and E eventually,but they all made me feel like I was hated by everyone I knew.
Soon it was summertime. I began talking to my new crush,L.We went out,then broke up after 2 weeks.He began acting strangely,talking to my best friend more than he did to me. We got into an arguement. He said he didn't care about me,never did,called me a stupid goth and told me to kill myself,that it would make him happy.I cried myself to sleep for a week.We made up about 3 weeks later,but he began to sexually harass me,asking for pictures of breasts (which I never sent,of course).
Finally,8th grade year came. I had a final fallout with the same friends as before-F,V,and E. This was the worst one. They sent me a letter that made me want to commit suicide. It sent me into a very bad anxiety attack when I received it. I felt myself shaking,my heart racing,I wanted to run out of class and hide.This is what it said:
(Me in their Point of View): What the f*** you guys don't even signal me on when I can make my emo group and Monday I'll give you a poem of my problems
F:Then f*** you
F:I didn't run away from you because I didn't want to hurt you
F:I didn't like you from the beginning I hated you :)
F:I had my eyes closed when I met you now I opened them and you're a disaster
V:Oh and nice emo group! Haha what signal?
V:SO IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,SAY IT TO MY FACE! B****!
To Claudia:LOL,you fat emo c***
Claudia,you b****,you're not emo,you're just a b**** thats all
(Drawing of me)
I'm f****n emo b****-----not!
*cat paw flipping me off* 4 u!
WHOESHI! KYA KAWAII DESU!
I found out that they weren't the only ones who wrote it-they had passed it around to the WHOLE CLASS. I wanted to just end it all. But I didn't. I kept moving on despite all the pain.And in the end,I made it through.
Unfortunately,it still affects me today. I now have social anxiety,and am afraid that everyone who speaks to me intends to judge/criticize me badly. I'm afraid to be bullied. But one day,I know this will all end.
By writing some words below, you are showing your support and letting everyone know they're not alone.
Courtney Lynn followed this page 2023-07-24 20:13:23 -0400