The sexuality sentence.


After the first two years of high school everything seemed alright, I kept my head down and actually started gaining a huge friend group with the people under "The Goth Tree". It was better then being known to walk down "The gay path". 
I became friends with a guy called Matt, at the time I didn't know who the this guy was. How he introduced himself pretty much shocked me. He spun around dramatically(Out of nowhere) and stated "Sam! I can't take this anymore, I'm bi and I announced it and now everyone hates me." To which he flumped down onto me. At this time I was so confused I thought to fall with him but the one thing I thought was "What the fuck is Bi?!" So I comforted him and we became best friends, found out what being 'bi' was. 
Being his friend was a huge laugh, we went out everyday to the park or town after school or on the weekends. He introduced me to a lot of people. There was a place we would go to on a wednesday night called 'Rock Cafe' it's now 'Riverrrooms' cause they started to play miley cyrus instead of Pantera.
Matt started liking this guy and I actually started gaining feelings for this guys friend. She was absolutely gorgeous, amazing, funny. But it was never meant to be! I was too shy and by the sounds of things 'Too nerdy'. It wasn't much of a shock to me that she turned me down because truly I didn't understand why I had feelings for another woman. The feelings felt good though I wondered if this was how Matt felt? 
There was another girl a short while after. She was fun, adorable, great personality and great looks, we both liked each other and from time to time, even though we weren't spoken for, we would kiss, hug and enjoy our lives. The only problem was, how social life at school reacted to matt coming out, we chose to stay quiet at school. But word got loose and thanks to the person that told everyone about my love life I was in real deep shit.
Most of the lads in our year and higher stopped being horrid to Matt, they all finally accepted everything, so did the girls. They loved having a "Gay best friend". But even though the lads didn't care much about me seeing another girl, apart from the odd lesbian slur, the girls weren't so forgiving. During physical education I would get pushed and have rubbish thrown at me, I would have messages delivered to me stating that I was no longer aloud to change my clothes where I did because "I stared at all the girls breasts" with my "Dyke eyes." During maths everyone would laugh at me and think I was disgusting to even want to "Lick the pussy." To become a "Disgusting little rug muncher". Mainly the whole class would take to laughing at anything, what I was wearing to how my hair looked to where I even lived. I had these black trainer like shoes and just because they weren't Nike or some other special known brand, I had to be poor. My laces broke and I replaced them with alien head laces, to which they just laughed. And from there on I was known as the freak. It was getting to the point where I was actually having it worse then Matt ever did. I was painful. I still had my friends but even then a few took up to going with the homophobic slurs. After a while me and the girl I was seeing decided to part. Which to be honest, was salt in the wounds. 
As it carried on I wanted to stand up for myself so badly but it was a guarantee stamp on the head or some other attack. The only thing I could use was in maths, where most of the girls moved their chairs as far as they could, I would simply say "You're not my type so stop acting pathetic". Luckily the teacher didn't accept violence in her class so I was safe for those hours. 
Even when it came to music! I would be listening to rock, metal, grunge. Pink floyd, jimi hendrix and bloodhound gang, the list would go on but it would be all mainly in those genres to which they would rip my earphones out, call my a "dirty leasbian goth." "Eww look at her and her greasy goth hair, she's a dirty pussy licker to and what the fuck is that shit you're listening too!?" It was like anything I did, anything I liked was wrong. I ended up at one point having a shower three to five times a day because I felt dirty myself because of all the peoples voices had started ringing in my head constantly telling me I was dirty, dirty, dirty.

Everyday I felt myself grow less happy, I would still go out with friends and do all the things we would. But there was nothing that could really cheer me up. I would display a happy face all the time. 
I'm not condoning it now, but I started to self harm. I panicked so much about tomorrow that cutting myself felt like a nicotine rush of relaxation. I kept it quiet for a long time. I didn't have anyone to speak to, even though I had all my friends, I couldn't bare to disappoint anyone with my burdens. There was cuts everywhere, covered up. It wasn't till certain friends started noticing how tired I looked, how whenever someone touched me I would wince and how my face would just look blank. 
Matt confronted me to the point where I showed and told him everything. It was horrible. And I tear up just thinking about it now. He told me to show my parents, to get them to send me to someone who I could professionally talk to.. They couldn't afford it so they sent me to a normal high street doctor. She stated it was only Clinical Depression and that it would pass shortly. 

It wasn't until one year after finishing school where I started to relax. I got into college doing production arts and met amazing friends. Unfortunately now me and Matt don't speak and I do miss him but I am so thankful I had him there for me at the time. 
Right now I am currently working at a pub. It's not the best of places when you have pervy old men making indecent comments towards you. But it's all worth it to go to Uni. I want to study Illustration and hopefully be a concept artist for games. 

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