I always knew that I was never exactly like everyone else I mean ADD causes that whole I'm there but I'm really not THERE kinda mentality; my mother understood that but my father... he could never actually comprehend what it's like to have a child that's not "normal" what ever normal is in this society anyway. Me and my father would never see eye to eye which would cause him to yell at me, hit me, and make fun/call me horrible things. I always used to think that it was my fault that I wasn't good enough, but now I realize that my father, my own blood, was my worst bully. Having someone in your house bullying you is pretty rough especially when you got bullied in school too. And my mother wondered why I was so depressed at such a young age. I guess now that i think about it I was always depressed it's just that when you're young you can do a much better job at hiding things from yourself then when you're older. I liked going to school more then going home bullies and all because I knew that when ever I got home my father would harass me. My father would try to find something to blame on me he would intentionally try to bring me down make me feel like I was worthless. School wasn't any better I would dread lunch time because then I would have to be by my tormentors hear them call me fat, ugly, make fun of me because I peed myself. Ok I'm about to side track into my peed myself story. So one day I went to school and I really had to pee but my teacher wouldn't let me go. Being the good student that I am I listened but at the same time my bladder didn't really agree with that. So by the time I actually got to go to the bathroom I had to pee so bad that when I was rushing to go to the bathroom the pee started to come out. Peeing on yourself in the 5th grade not so fun. no one would have known though because I had my gym clothes and I would have been fine but then my so called friend walked in and asked my did I pee myself and I said no it was just water, but of course she already had in her mind that it was pee and told all of our friends. So when I went back to class they were all making fun of me and on top of that i went home and guess who was there My father read to shower me with insults Hooray best day of my life. So back to the main thing one day my father was hurting me and insulting me so much that I yelled at him; he didn't take that too well. He decided to bring me in the room with him while he sleeps, he works nights, for work and makes me sit there until my mom gets home. I seriously didn't want to look at him better yet even hear his loud annoying snores. So me being my 9-10 year old self I decided I had enough pain and the only pain I wanted to feel anymore was the one from myself because that hurt a lot less and that was the day that I started to cut myself. I found something thrilling in it; it made me feel powerful. It was the one thing in my life that I could control and that felt good. It didn't last forever though because at some point it just stopped working and the pain of what my father was doing got worse and I just couldn't take it anymore. I told myself that anything would be better then here and that i had to get away. From 13-16 I've attempted suicide 3 times. People wonder why other people cut themselves or why people try to kill themselves and it's just so obvious it's because they would rather be dead and set free then live with that kind of pain and I was one of them. I'm 17 a senior in high school now and I can truly say that's I'm glad that i didn't kill myself because then I wouldn't know how much better life is for me now. I would have never known that my father is no longer in the picture and that's what helps me to start the road to recovery. I would have never know that I would have found a best friend like me, some what like me, and we would help each other out. I would have never know that life IS worth living for because there are good things in this world that can actually make you happy. Sure I still don't love myself but I don't hate myself enough anymore to want to kill myself anymore. I have friends now.. friends I can actually trust; friends that I would give my life for and that they would give there life for me. I know that I just need to take everything one step at a time and things will get better. Everyday I can breath a little bit more I get a little bit better. I know my story is all over the place and I didn't do to good at explaining it but my thoughts are all over the place and I can't really write everything the way how I want to. I do know one thing though if you feel like death is your only way out it's not because your life will get better and you will truly smile again.. I promise.
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