When I was younger, I always felt like the odd one out; like I was too ordinary yet not ordinary enough at the same time. Even at a very young age, I never tolerated it when other kids picked on the kids in my classes yet at the same time I never did a great job of sticking up for myself. I didn't have many friends growing up and even now I really don't have many friends that I get together with. I never had a lot of self-confidence and often, I worried about what I did and how every little thing would affect those around me.
I was often shunned in school, I was a loner in middle school. This was the worst time of my life because at one point, I was the subject of a very cruel rumor that some kids started about me after reading the poems I wrote as a release. Cutting just wasn't enough for me, and it's not like I could do it at school so that was plan B. The rumor was that I had a hit list and was planning to "do a Columbine". Needless to say, this rumor obviously made the other students panic and created a huge problem for me. Even now, it's still really hard for me to talk to anyone about it, let alone type it here, and it's been over 10 years since then.
Time alone doesn't heal all wounds, I've learned this. But I have also learned how to stand up for myself. I got tired of allowing others to make my life hell just because they thought it was okay. So, one day I looked in the mirror, stared at my reflection, thought about everything I hated about myself and the things people made fun of me for and said, "I don't care." In my head, the only person in the entire world that has to love me unconditionally for who I am, is myself, because I live in this body! It's mine, I am me, and no one can take that from me. Not anymore. I can honestly say, that I haven't had more than two fairly good friends for most of my 25 years of life, and I'm still here because I have accepted myself, flaws and all.
Many things helped me get through my hellish experiences, music (playing and listening), writing, losing myself in fictional worlds, drawing (very badly), and this saying.
"Free of all, bound by nothing, live your life simply as it is."
You are not bound to the things others say about you; you are not chained to terrible things they may think about you; your life is exactly that - YOUR LIFE. And no one has the right to take that away from you, in any way, shape, or form.
Granted, every situation is different, I may have been lucky to pull myself out of the hole I allowed others to throw me into. I just hope that someone reads this and feels like they can turn things around themselves. Everything starts with you, and I feel that as long as you choose to make your life better, things will fall into place. And if you don't have friends, like I don't really have friends, I'll be your friend. I'm weird, awkward, and I like a wide variety of things, but that's what makes me who I am, and I'm not about to change that for anyone.
By writing some words below, you are showing your support and letting everyone know they're not alone.