Growing up, I thought I had friends, in fact, I knew I had friends. I tried hanging out with the cool kids who lived up the street and went to my elementary school. They would be nice and invite me over but at times when I was being bullied they would step back and get involved with the bullying. But, I was never invited to parties or anything. Everytime people made plans around me and wouldn't invite me to places, I felt sad and lonely. Most of the time, my stupid mouth, would get me in trouble. I start talking bad to someone and of course they would be mean back to me but I was more sensitive. My words really did get me in a lot of trouble and I would get in so much trouble in middle school because of what I said to people. They would say something I thought was mean, and I would reply back to someone with worse. In 8th grade, I was tested for Aspergers, a form of Autism, and was diagnosed with it. I was the complete opposite of someone with Aspergers. Most with Aspergers are quiet and shy, but ask anyone, I was the most annoying kid at school. My problem, I used Aspergers as an excuse for my actions. I stopped taking responsibility for my actions. When I finally reached high school, I felt safer. My dad worked there and taught ASB (leadership class) and his students were so kind and nice to me. They made me feel special and welcomed. I knew I was loved. My sister went there too, so I knew I was safe. But, 9th grade was my worst year of bullying. A Junior who I thought I was semi friends with, ended up having one of his friends push me into a urinal. In math class, I was constantly made fun and got things thrown at me by a bunch of Seniors. My teacher did nothing about it. One day, they smashed a strawberry underneath my binder. When I went to report it, I saw my teacher and asked for the names of one of the students, he replied back with, "you're making a big deal out of this and you should just let it go." My friend later told me those students felt bad because I didn't make a big scene out of the situation. Although, with all this bullying and mean stuff going on, I knew I was still loved by friends and peers. I knew that I still had friends and that not everyone hated me. I knew I was loved when on a social media website Ask.fm where people can ask anonymous quesitons, someone kept telling me I was annoying and that no one loves me and to stop using Aspergers as an excuse for being annoying. I posted that on Instagram and so many people came back saying sorry and that they always have my back. 10th, this year, got so much better. I've only been bullied by words by a couple kids and it's not as bad as it used to be. Those childhood kids I mentioned earlier, I still hang out with everyday at lunch. But, of course, I sometimes feel lonely and left out, because I constantly see on social media that they are hanging out and have parties that I'm never invited to. But, I've learned that I'm always still loved and no matter what they are always still my friends. I know now not to use my disability as an excuse for my behavior. I just want everyone to know to stay strong and to never give up. There are people out there who love you, even if it doesn't seem like it. There are people that are willing to be your friend and interact with you. I never used suicide as an excuse because I knew that I would be putting so many people in pain for the rest of your life. I have a motto for people, "don't put one life out of pain, only to put hundreds of others in pain forever." I know I may not feel loved but secretly I am loved by a lot more people than I think.
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