when I was about five years old my mom was diagnosed with cancer, it made my life hard and sad. starting the first year of school I was bullied, and that carried on until the very last day I actually went to school, or actually it continued until the day I found the love of my life, my rock. the first few years of school I was bullied because I was sad a lot, and because my mother looked a little strange because of the chemo she had to go through. one day my mom went to the principal with me because all the bullying and even the physical violence happened on school property, but the principal said there was nothing he could do and it was my fault, that day my mom took me out of that school, and a few days later I transferred to another school. the bullying at that school was rather a bit less though it still happened. a week before my 12th birthday, my mom passed away, I lost all faith in the world, and couldn't except that she was actually gone, a few days before my birthday I realized that I would never be able to see, or hug her again. that day was the saddest day of my life. that was the day I started mourning and I didn't care about anything anymore, I wore black every day, I was sad, and avoided talking to anyone. after two years my dad started worrying and getting mad at me, I didn't like it, so ever since that day I acted like the happiest girl and nobody actually noticed that I was hurting, I was still being bullied because I was different, but at that school I did meet my best friend, who was always there for me. when I finally finished high school I thought it would be the end of the bullying and the sadness... turns out I was wrong, I went of the next school where I again didn't fit in and I was bullied, but this time I had a friend who accepted me for who I was. with all the bullying and sadness I had been through there was only so much I could take before I dropped out of school. I started looking for my own way in life, but as no-one every really took the time to tell me anything about it was really hard, no-one cut me any slack, and no-one helped me out when I needed it, all I ever heard was "I wish I could help" and all I wanted t do was shout at them and say "get up and actually do something then" but after all those years I still hadn't found the strength to stand up for myself. I had a boyfriend though, who everyone thought was good for me, but as I was still keeping up the happy act no-one knew how he actually made me feel, he hurt me physically and emotionally, and worst of all he raped me, and never listened to me. one and a half years, and two hospital visits, and many doctors appointments later I finally broke it off. it made me happy that I was finally free of all the sadness or so I thought.and not long after that my best friend moved to the other side of the country. I became depressed, I got a drinking problem and started smoking again, I was vulnerable and guys like to take advantage of that, whether you like it or not, I was raped multiple times, and actually believed I deserved it, and I still continued the happy act though my dad started to see through it. the depression, drinking, smoking and being raped continued until I started spending time with my good friends boyfriend, I found someone to talk to and finally someone to replace the emptiness my best friend left, we actually started a relationship, he introduced me to his family and they made me feel happy again and made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere, I was happy and can't handle sadness anymore or anything that leads me to sadness, I run away from that, but I just can't handle it anymore, and honestly I don't think people should expect me too. I need time to heal and the people that don't accept that are excluded from my life, as soon as they accept it they are welcome to return, but for now I'm finding happiness with my new fiancé.