I don't even go that far

I am a 14 year old girl, high school 3th grade (In The Netherlands it's normal)

Primary school from first untill 4th grade, I think, were awesome. I had a group friends who were awesome and a typical boys vs girls relation with some guys. When I heard my mom wanted to trow it all away and start another life 2 villages away I couldn't believe it. I had the perfect life, friends and yeah some people I didn't like but who cares they didn't interrupt me from living my life. And I was just a child back then, I was 6 when I heard it. My mom told me she and my dad wanted a bigger house. The first time I did come in my new house, I saw it wasn't bigger than the other one. Only second floor a little but I didn't have a third floor which the old one had. I never helped doing somehing for this house like bringing stuff inside. Maybe only my "necky" my stuffed animal. I just sat there, hoping somehow we could not move into this house.

When we moved I cried for days (we moved in spring break). Why was she trowing away my perfect life. I had friends, best friends who I would never see again. I hated my mom, every night when she heared my cries, she came to my room. Told me the kids in my new school would love my and that I could see my old friends a lot. Somehow I knew both of this was bullshit and it was. I went to mynew school and I didn't have a lot friends. Just 2 boys and some girls who I would never say they were real friends or even friends. I just hang with hem sometime but I always feel like it was fake. From the 2 boys and a couple girls it went fast to just 1 boy left. My best friend. We hang everyday. Still in the same grade (4 or 5th) there were people telling things about me like "she is in love with that boy." It was not a big deal but I noticed every bad thing they said about me.

After summer break I went back to school and they kept saying things, it was not like I was bullied. They just said things to me in a "nice" way but it could still hurt me. After half a year there came a new boy. The first thing I thought about him is he could be a nice guy. That tunred out really different than I thought it would. He set the other kids in my class to bully me. I don't know much anymore from that time except that I would get mad a lot of times. So mad that I would trow a chair though the class or something. After thatI would run to the tiolet and cry. Just because they made my so mad and I didn't want to be mad. It went on and on. They only thought it would be funny. The only thing I did was cry at night and I couldn't sleep anymore. I had talks with some guy that would help me with my anger. I was just angy at the world at because why do I need to get bullied but I didn't know why I was angry at that point. They never hurt me physically but they always laught at me. One day one girl left my school and at that moment she was the worsed. I was so happy but it turned out people told her to do those things to me. I went to 7th grade and  lost my only friend left. He didn't want to be friends with a "girl." I was on my own. Alone. I had nobody but my family but I hated them for keeping my on the same school. Later the "new" boy went to  another grade. The 8th while I was in 7. Because he was older than he suppose to be in 7th grade and all those werid shit. But than the bulling almost stoped. I made new friends because we had new people in my class. I could say Twilight saga saved my at my lowest point. I was thinking about killing myself. I was  figuring out a way to do it. I saw Twilight once and was obsessed with  it from the first moment.  I asked a really nice girl if she liked it to. And she did, we  became friends. She also told me to ask another girl about it because she was also obsessed with Twilight. She was a populair girl at the oment but used to  be bullied to and why because she had a really stong personalty. I just liked it. I fell in love with a guy from my class and he liked her. She didn't like him so she told me how to change. And I changed. At the moment I still hated myself. I kept hating myself. I could never love myself.

I went to high school and I did not go to the same school as her. I cried after I realised it. My mom agian told my that I would see her a lot. She lied again. I don't have contact anymore. I keep struggeling with myself. I though I was fat. I weighed to much,  I thought. I stared with 2 friends. Those to were like best friends so most of the time in classes, I was alone. But I made friends. first one and than another. At the end of the first 2 years we had a group so big most of the class was  in it. But I was still struggeling with myself. I found out to cry in silents so my mom wouln't hear and say everything is gonne be okay and lie. At some piont I bite myself. So hard that it beeld. And I loved the pain. I also scratched my wrist, one time. Whit my nails, I just made a thin line. That are my scars. And I hate to look at it. They make my hate myself again. While sometimes I still bite on one scar. I had boyfriends but I still kept hating myself.

Since 3th grade there are some new guys in my class and classes where reorganized. I stared wearing more black. Because I feel confident in black. It makes my feel so much stronger.  I used to be a friend to oa guy in my class but he is giong to far whit his joke. He hurts me just when I finely start feeling good about myself.
I resently wrot this about my situation now:
He keeps saying "go cut youself, emo" in a funny way but deep down it hurts.
At least once a week I amcrying, fighting myself not to get out of my bed.
To walk to the drawer, open it, takeout the knife and slide my wrist.
He keeps saying "yeah cuz your love pain"
Nobody loves pain, only some pain can distract you from worser pain inside.
I don't even go that far.
I only have 2 scars and they are little.
Not a lot people know where there from and ost of the people don't even know they are there.
I just want to stop my feelings but when it works I feel nothing anymore.
And people say things like "Be happy!" but I can't.
It's a  horrible feeling sometimes but it a better option than feeling sad.
Feeling empty.


I just want everyone to know please don't change for other people.
They are not worth the changes.

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