I'm a lesbian pansexual, meaning basically I am a lesbian, but anyway when my girlfriend I broke up, I was 76 pounds from stress, having panic seizures everyday, and dealing with my seasonal depression, insomnia, and suffocation of a possibly emotionally abusive relationship. After our break up she was stalking me and I got angry about it, so I yelled at her and then I lost all of my friends, the maybe five I had after dealing with the multiple personality disorders and the sexual assaults and the having to cut all of my hair off so I wouldn't get raped again because I DIDN'T LOOK GAY ENOUGH!
After all of that previous bullying and trauma, I had a limited group of friends, but I was finally in a decent place. AND then, it fell apart. Because I couldn't trust anyone with my feelings or emotions I hid them and in turn none of my so called friends believed that I was hurt by what my ex was doing or by what my brother was saying about his dyke sister or how no one wanted to speak to a chick who has been to a psych ward, even when they were the ones who sent me there... They thought I had no feelings so they felt like they could walk all over them. I've contemplated suicide every year of my life for the past five, I've attempted multiple times, I used to burn my hips with a curling iron because it hurt worse than a knife.. no one saw my pain, no one cared, so I just felt like I wasn't worth it anyone and no one would really care if I was gone anyway. At one point, the only reason why I didn't kill myself was that my cat would have had no one to take care of him.
This past two months I transferred schools so no one knows my story except for three people at my new school who I trust as much as I can trust people. I don't really plan on making many more friends or sharing my story. I know I shouldn't isolate myself but I don't have emotions and I'm too exhausted to try to fit in or care what they think or if I have someone to talk to. I have a cat, I have tumblr, I have the L word, and I have my journal, and I suppose in the end, that might just be enough to get through the next two years of high school with.
Thanks for reading,
-your friend always,
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