All bad things will eventually pass!

Just wanted to let everyone know that like you I too was bullied in school.  I was fine in elementary school and actually used to get into a lot of fights but as I hit puberty around the 6th grade I just didn't like to fight or hurt people so I stopped and that's when I started being picked on.  I was very shy for some reason although I never used to be.  Later I would find out I'm a manic depressive (they call it bipolar now) plus I had really bad social anxiety and would have panic attacks.  I couldn't even talk to girls.  My friends were no longer the type of people I wanted to hang out with.  it's like everyone was having a pissing contest and all they wanted to do was wrestle and prove their manliness.  Sorry but I just wasn't into it, I really didn't like rolling around on the ground, I swear it was like they all needed an excuse to cop a feel. 

Anyway I was mainly being picked on by classmates and people I didn't even know.  I didn't care for sports and did everything I could to avoid them and gym which was impossible.  What is it was coaches who think dodgeball is fun for students?  Oh, I'm sure it's great for all the jocks and 6 foot tall kids but not for those of us who weighed a hundred pounds soaking wet.  I think it was just an excuse for them to torture the weak.  I finally quit doing gym period and started failing.  I eventually took band to get out of gym and that only made it worse.  I can remember days where strangers and those I'd been friends with growing up would just push me into lockers, call me names.  One day I was walking outside between classes and someone snuck up behind me and lifted me in the air and did a wrestling backbreaker move on me.  It knocked the wind out of me and my back hurt for 3 months afterwards. I never saw who did it.  I thought something was broken but couldn't really tell anyone.  The school never did anything to stop it so I finally quit reporting it.  My mom was too busy at work and my friends were too busy with their pissing contests trying to prove which one was more manly to talk to. 

Why is it that teachers never just step right out of their classroom to keep an eye on the hall?  That alone would help so much but they don't care or they're afraid.  They shouldn't be allowed to teach if they won't help us when we really need it.  Any moron can teach for a manual but a real teacher protects their students and helps to nurture them so they can grow.  Sure I learned math but what about all those social skills I really was going to need later in real life?  Being bullied destroyed every single skillset that I truly needed and nothing I learned in high school helped me one single bit in the real world.  Kinda makes their whole job pointless in my opinion.

Anyway I endured it, for years.  Even a few bigger girls would pick on me, pull my hair and stuff like that.  What do you do about that? I was brought up never to lay hands on a female and I wouldn't even though I wanted to.  I wanted to go back to hurting people like I used to but just couldn't. I didn't enjoy the way they made me feel but I hated the feeling of hurting people even more.  Eventually my mom met someone and we moved even though I didn't want to.  I'd finally made a very good friend who had the same interests.  We were working on a comic book together and I was very bummed.  We moved to a very small country town and that made things even worst but instead of being picked on by the jocks this time it was the outcasts who picked on me.  I was one of them but they didn't care because I wasn't born in this small town.  All of the girls had been dating their boyfriends since the freaking second grade and there was just nothing for me.  It really didn't help that my step dad was the worst bully I had.  Nothing like being choked by a 250 grown manbaby!  I didn't get into trouble, I didn't drink, smoke, get girls pregnant.  No, I was just a teenager who liked video games, guess that was wrong. I grew up in apartments and I guess since he had to work from a young age to get away from his dad who beat and did other things to him that I should know how to pull an engine from a car or plant a garden.  I love adults who want things but won't work for them, children are not free labor.  I didn't even like vegetables. Oh well, time to choke the scrawny kid since he screwed up again.

So I said screw it. I'm being cussed out, choked, thrown around. My mom's oblivious to his rages because she's become codependent after being alone for so long so I started smoking, then drinking then doing weed then coke, then well you get the picture.  But hey, I made some friends at least.  Of course I'd find out years later that they really weren't my friends.

Back before all this I finally made one good friend who graduated a year before I did and finally in my senior year I dropped out and got a G.E.D.  Funny how everyone wanted to talk to me then?  Why are you quitting, you're so close.  Why do you smoke?  I heard you're doing drugs, etc.  Yes, all freaking true, it was either that or take a weapon to school and show the world my frustration and I refused to do that no matter what.  Nothing and I mean NOTHING ever condones violence. Violence begets more violence which is one of many reasons I refused to fight back.  I guess I should have.  I made a big mess of my life for many years after getting my G.E.D.  People don't get what bullying does to a person.  It makes you angry, it hurts you, you feel weak, like a coward, a p@#$%,  you hate yourself, you become numb, then when you do feel it's only the worst of feelings until you want to explode and die.  I didn't though, I chose drugs.  I found out that by drinking and doing drugs I could be normal. I wasn't shy when I was drunk or high. I could be with girls, really good looking ones too.  Of course they weren't the kind of girls you really wanted to date but after having nothing and no one it felt like heaven.  Fast forward 10 years. I have no friends, no girlfriend, just a giant addiction to every drug known to man.  My health is going downhill, I am back where I started which is nowhere. 

I finally went to rehab, it took me years even after to finally kick it but I did.  I'm doing much better but I can't help wondering how much of my problems were caused by the bullying.  Would I have been quite so shy and timid if people had been nice to me?  I can barely look people in the eyes even today.  I'm working on it though.  I force myself to talk to people to meet their gazes.  I'm a manic depressive, I have insomnia and I have a ton of health problems due to constant drug abuse. I'm nearly 40 but haven't aged a day since I was 16.  My teeth are very bad, my face is wrinkled and I still hate myself.  Oh and I have no friends, not really.  But for once I finally feel almost normal.  you see I'm starting over.  You can start your life over at any point you want to and that's what I'm doing.  I'm going to go back to school hopefully by next year. I'm going to meet people, I will talk to everyone I meet.  I will surround myself with happy, fun people and will stay away from jerks.  My teeth embarrass me but hopefully they'll be fixed by then and if not I'm just going to tell people the truth about me and my life.  I don't care any more because you see I finally figured out that there was nothing wrong with me, it was other people who had the problems and I feel sorry for each and everyone of them.  I am a good person and I love others, I feel pain when I read of others being hurt.  I cannot stand people who prey upon others especially children.  I deserve happiness and even if my life never quite works out the way I want it will be okay.  I will strive for happiness because I've suffered too much not to.  I know in my heart I will find happiness and peace because I'm determined and I pray that each and every one of you will too.

I just want to give all of you a bit of advice and hopefully save you any of my hardships.  If things are so bad that you want to hurt yourself or others then quit school.  Don't think about your parents or anyone else.  Think about you.  Get your G.E.D. Make your parents home school you.  Do whatever you have to in order to be safe physically and mentally.  Don't change who you are for others.  Always be yourself.  If you're shy like I was, don't be.  There's no reason to be.  Trust me when I say that everyone and I mean EVERYONE has doubts.  Even that big bully jock who acts like he owns the world.  He has doubts too and even though you hate the people who bully you, don't.  Don't hate them, feel sorry for them.  Think about why they're like they are.  Some do it for attention, others do it because they have been abused and some just don't care.  Either way it's horrible that they can be so heartless and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 

Do not turn to drugs or alcohol.  You may enjoy them for a while but you will wake up one day with nothing and no one and even though things don't seem like they can get any worst.  They can! Trust me. I found a good friend of mine that I went to rehab with dead.  He drank himself to death and I hadn't seen him in months. His body was badly decomposed and it bothers me to this day. It is etched in my eyes and I cannot get rid of the sight of him.  Things can get so much worse. 

Be yourself always.  You are a good person and deserve good friends. Any girl/guy would be lucky to have you but you have to make an effort.  Talk to girls/guys.  You don't have to be handsome or totally hot to get a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Trust me, there's tons of people who don't look like supermodels that are dating.  You do have to talk to them though.  Have confidence in yourself.  If you don't have any confidence, then fake it. Pretend that you do and eventually you will.  Look in the mirror every single day and say the three most magical words in the world.  "I Love You".  It truly is magical and will work wonders.  Allow good people into your life and cherish them.  Tell others you are being bullied, tell every single parent, teacher and student who will listen.  Keep telling people.  If you can't walk away from a fight then stand up to them.  Don't go overboard and hurt them but don't let them hurt you either. 

Anyway sorry for such a long story.  I love you all and you all deserve to be loved.  Things will get better.  Everything eventually passes and millions of kids have been exactly where you are right now.  You are not alone.  The cool thing is that half of you who are called nerds and geeks will be running this country one day.  I'm sure Bill Gates was probably picked on and look at him now. 

I've learned something very important.  Suicide is what happens when pain is greater than pleasure + coping resources.  We all cope differently. Some have more coping resources than others.  It doesn't make you weak if you can't cope well.  You just need more coping resources.  Start a journal, talk to others, get some professional help, start a blog, do anything you can, research it.  If you are having trouble coping then get more coping resources to help you deal.  This world needs each and everyone of you.  Don't let them win!

(Note: I just want to add that I did have a few Really good friends along the way - not everyone I met was a jerk and even some people I did drugs with were and are still VERY GOOD PEOPLE.  I have started reconnecting with the good one's lately.  They know who they are. Thank you for being there for me, for being yourself and for being good people and for after all this time still being my friend even though I dropped off the face of the planet for so long.  Things are definitely looking up for me and I hope things will go well for all of you too.)





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