"I hope I fall asleep and never wake up again"

My name is Jasmin, I am 18 years old and I want to share my story with you.

I first experienced bullying when I attended elementary school at the age of 8 or 9. My classmates often blamed and offended me, because I have a turkish father. They thought I was dumb and couild only talk with my fists - allthough I didn't even hurt someone ever. In grade 5 it reached a painful peak. I remember that I had a friend with whom I argued very hard. In her rage, she went that far, that the whole class ignored me and didn't talk to me anymore. I still don't know what she exactly told them, but it must have been very crual. I started to cry during the lesson, but nobody was interested - not even the teachers. So I went home saying "Mommy, I hope I fall asleep and never wake up again". My mother was shocked and called the mother of that certain friend, who also was shocked, when she heard what I - an 11 year old girl - just said. My classmates stopped ignoring me and wanted to "help me for rehabilitate me into class". It worked - somehow. I learned that it's better to say nothing. Only if it was necessary to talk, I talked. Mostly, I listened to the others when they had "problems". I also started to refuse any touch.

A couple of years later - I was 15 - my first boyfriend broke up with me. It hurt that much that I wanted to talk to someone about that. But all I heard was "Oh come on, get over it and shut up." But it hurt, it was the most painful feeling I've ever felt. Because I didn't get along with this strong feelings, I cut myself. My classmates blamed me for the, they whispered behind my back and called me "emo" or "psycho". One day, I heard someone saying "Well, maybe she should just kill herself." That was it. 

If there hadn't been my mother, I would be probably dead now. But she talked to me, listened to me - a whole new experience for me. I stopped cutting myself and began to choose careful with whom I want to share my time. These were my first steps out of my personal hell. I learned to keep my head up and to look forward. It took a long time, but I found wonderful friends, who are always there for me - until today.

Now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful person, I have got few precious friends and I am about to learn to open myself again for the whole range of possibilities I have. I am convinced that without any of those persons who are still an important part of my life, I still would be a pathetic, lonely girl who cuts herself and thinks about suicide. So I definitly know how important friends and family are. But at least you must have to trust them and to have faith in them.

Still, I hope that my story could help you.

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