One thing I need to explain, is a tad of background first. My family was dysfunctional, my father was a drug addict and drunk and my mother drank herself numb to avoid the abuse my dad dished out. My parents where never married, so they split up a little bit after my brother was born. I lived in an area where all the kids you knew where rich, famous, or both; so whatever school you went too, they where there. To be honest, I cannot remember when the name calling and verbal bullying started; I was very young. Things like 'bastard child' and phrases like 'at least my parents are married, unlike yours' and other hurtful things started way back in third grade.
However I remember when the physical bullying started, I was in 5th grade; I had one friend, the only one who kept the other girls off me really... she finally was tempted over to be popular, rich...
They told me I was an eye sore, told me they where tired of me looking so untouchable; it was time for them to break me apart.
They started with glass and fire first, cutting me up, burning me. To be honest I never cried once in front of them, the abuse my father put me through gave me some what of a pain tolerance. However as I got older, they did; and found new ways of hurting me.
They took a butcher knife and slammed it onto my left shoulder in the 6th grade, thankfully for me it wasn't sharp, however it wasn't a great feeling either. For a while I wondered why I was a target, what was so special about me? Was it because I was quite? Was it because I never responded to there mocking?
7th grade year they began something called Water Boarding, it's a torture method of almost drowning someone but they have total control over it. For 2 years I dealt with that, bleeding, burning... honestly I never thought it would end.
My freshmen year they got worse, more often was I found after school and dragged off to someones house. Honestly? I thought they where going to kill me.
I began self mutilation in ways of handling the stress, but only found it heightened my tolerance for pain more. I almost killed myself by bleeding out during my thanksgiving break, and surprisingly I was able to be home schooled for the rest of my freshmen year. I was put on heavy anti psychotics and anti depressants, and honestly? They didn't do anything but make it worse.
I honestly was afraid to go back to school, every day I knew it was coming; and everyday I wanted to die a little more every time. I tried to kill myself 2 more times before the year was over... Then I met a boy who was 3 years older then me; though he was older, he honestly was the one who stopped me from killing myself. He and I talked for hours and hours, and not really about my bullying; but about everyday things. He knew how much I was in pain, and honestly wanted me to find a way to open up on my own.
Near the end of my freshmen year, we began to date. To be honest I never once thought I would find someone, someone who would love me; scars and all.
He moved in with me, my mom and younger brother after my mom pushed for it; and once he started living with me everything changed. He helped me go to the school and report my bullying, he helped me get into therapy for my cutting, and he helped me see that there is more in life then pain.
Though my school never did anything, my mother took the only alternative my therapist offered, I transferred into a school that was smaller, and would help me with the cognitive damage. I graduated High School on time, was able to finally get off the medications, and soon began to recover. I moved away when I was 19, I honestly wanted to try and better myself, become stronger. However before I left, my friend from 5th grade bumped into me. It was the first time her and I saw each other in almost 5 years, and she fell to her knees, sobbing.
She never knew what they did to me until the day I told the school, the school apparently never did anything to the kids; just warned them. She cried and cried until she couldn't and just told me 'I'm so sorry' over and over. I never really hated her, nor did I blame her; to be honest? I couldn't, I just hugged her, and told her my name and it was nice to meet her. It was my olive branch.
It's been 2 years, I am happily married to the same boy who saved me, I am in contact and frequently see my friend, and since then? I have in fact seen and spoken to the 2 of the 4 kids who bullied me. 2 of the girls died from drug overdoses, and the other two just got out of jail for drug charges. The two I saw told me I should hurt them as badly as they hurt me, they deserved it.
Not once did it cross my mind to hurt these people, and not once did I wish harm on my bullies. I always felt sorry for them, wondering what made them so wrapped; so all I did was smile and told them its best to put the past behind you.
Though yes, I still have night terrors of being bullied; memory lapses when I am under stress. I have learned meditation and have taken a type of self defense class that tends to be extremely soothing. I also have learned Music and drawing help me, my husband knows and understands what I go through but he tells me if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep looking forward; even if I stumble a little bit, nothing either can break me down anymore.
By writing some words below, you are showing your support and letting everyone know they're not alone.