Chapter 1

Transition

I remember my cousin telling me to be careful because on the first transition to high school you get your ‘reputation’. In which didn’t bother me because I knew I was smart and could make loads of new friends, along with being the teacher’s pet like I was in primary school. When I took my first step on the bus it was like my stomach dropped into my bowel. All of these year 10’s staring at me yelling out “fresh meat” but I just picked a spot and continued my day, learning, making new friends and being the teachers pet like a normal child should do. I didn’t make myself noticeable to be the one picked for a ‘reputation’ because I was with my cousin so I felt safe. Primary school was a bit of a drag because most of my friends were in a grade higher than me. I felt so depressed the first few weeks in year 7 because of that reason. I was the type of girl who got along with everyone but most of my friends would be older than me because I was a bit more mature for my age. They didn’t feel ‘cool’ round me because I was younger. The girls who thought they were popular didn’t give a damn about me because I was nothing to them, just a little girl not knowing what she’s doing. My cousin and I got along very well, we would spend most of our time at our dads mums house (our Nana) and do all sorts of things like, watch movies, talk about boys and so on. That pretty much ended since starting high school because we both went our own ways.

I was so excited for high school I kept putting on my uniform 3 weeks before school actually started. The days did drag in the holidays because of the excitement, which usually happens, until my first day actually started to get closer and closer. Eventually 3 weeks gone by, I was heading to the area we get picked up by the bus 10 minutes earlier than when I should be there. My uniform was all clean and brand new (without me wearing it out in the holidays) but luckily it wasn’t showing my nervous and sick feeling. I had only just gotten over whooping cough but unluckily enough developed post viral fatigue, so I was still a bit unwell but I didn’t let that get to me. The bus was picking up students around my area one by one. There was this one boy that had  100 metres to walk to the bus stop, but being the lazy boy he is, he got his mother to take him to school each and everyday.

As soon as the bus got to school and stopped, I think my bowel fell through my butt. It was such a scary feeling having all of these older boys and girls stare at you like you were a bug in a pile of ants. I ran into all of my primary school friends, sticking in with them and adjusting to the new surroundings and people. It wasn’t the best start to the day with constantly having this yucky feeling in my stomach and all of the pretty year 10 girls sit there and judge each and every one of us. My school had a split middle and senior campus, having the year 8, 9 & 10 in the middle campus and 11 & 12 at senior. Which was a good thing I thought, I didn’t have the really big kids judge me. Constant assemblies were called to announce policies and procedures, especially bullying procedures. I didn’t take much notice in them because it was pointless to me, I could take care of myself, I thought. The day went on slow as possible but interesting meeting all of the new kids in the same position just like me, in which kept me quite comfortable. My cousin was obsessed with this drug crazed boy, went everywhere he went and took off everyday he took. I had distant myself from her eventually drifting apart and only saying ‘hello’ to each other when we past. The days I had felt alone, I did end up hanging out with her because if I sat by myself I would be called a ‘loner’. So we did get a little close when I had no one. I felt like I didn’t fit in with anyone at the school, each and everyone of the students had their own groups which you would get a funny look if you had interrupted their circle. Stupid if you asked me.

The next few weeks past, we didn’t get straight into work like we should’ve because the teachers were pretty lazy. This particular day went slow, for some reason I wasn’t having a great feeling about it. A year 10 male was throwing these invitations out to his 16^th birthday party. These days it was cool to throw parties and get absolutely smashed, even at the age of 13. I thought it was cool to do it because it was the ‘in’ thing at the time. Teachers just watched this boy throw his invitations out doing absolutely shit all about it because he was one of the popular kids of the school. Totally unfair but that’s how the school system worked. “if you aren’t popular, you aren’t known by any of the teachers” in which was true because none of the teachers even recognised me. There was this one teacher (who’s name I won’t mention) but he got stoned behind the front office near his car almost everyday. How do I know this? Several witnesses. Not including the time when we were talking about my grade in geography, telling me I was around a B for the end of the semester’s grade. Wouldn’t of surprised me if he didn’t even know which student was what. All I know is that I did my work and tried to keep up with his imaginative thoughts. I was feeling quite vulnerable that day and had a big stomach along side with a headache. This was never new. I had always had stomach pains since primary school. I always felt different but this day was more unusual. Still having a lot of the year 10’s sitting there judging you everyday. Whoever went and picked up an invite that was a year 8 and wasn’t popular, probably got a funny look from the year 10 girls who most of all had their head up their arses. Funny thing was that, I really wanted to go have a look at the invite but I knew of the ‘rules’ you have to abide by if you don’t want to get judged so I just picked up my stuff and moved on. As anyone should if they didn’t want the entire world knowing made up rumours.

Chapter 2

As I should’ve been doing, was learning, staying out the way and trying to do my own thing. This was hard due to the fact that there are made up rules with the whole of year ‘10’s’ I wasn’t so sure how long it had taken place, I just knew they had to be followed.

• I knew that I couldn’t be ‘out there’ meaning having fun in silence, which isn’t really fun so basically to have no fun at all.
• Stay in our own areas and out of the way of the year 10’s
• Year 10’s can push in the canteen line and stare at you profusely while awkwardly waiting to actually get food. But then again, us year 8’s weren’t even allowed to eat food in front of them, well some chose too, some didn’t. That wasn’t the point, the point was that this was lining up to get food and eat it. Which in any form, we weren’t allowed too.
• Don’t in any way stare at the year 10’s otherwise they’ll either get in your face and yell scream and shout, making a big deal out of looking at the tree behind them, with them mistakenly thinking you were staring at them. (not that they complain, because they know they’re cool)
• Give any change you have on you, otherwise you’re known as a ‘bitch’ or ‘asshole’

They were most of the things I had picked up whilst I was there. It wasn’t too pleasant that I couldn’t feel comfortable in my own skin in my own school. Which happens to be the ‘safest place on earth!’ Didn’t and still doesn’t make sense to me.

Now, everyone in school basically knew who I was, I didn’t really know how. Maybe it was the fact that I hung out with everyone with my ‘best friend’. The boy’s party was on the night my friend decided to sleep over. She wasn’t real keen on going but I persuaded her to go with me just for half an hour. A couple of year 10 boys were literally across the road from where my house was, so we decided to go there and meet up with them. Mum got worried and kept calling me, as mothers do. As my friend and I went inside I had this gross feeling and didn’t want to stay, as for my friend, she was getting attention, from boys! So of coarse she didn’t want to leave. One of the older boys shoved a glass of vodka in my face wanting me to skull it. I didn’t feel comfortable about this so I refused a number of times before he basically baby fed it to me without my consent. My friend was having her own fun and of coarse the little girl who wasn’t at all used to alcohol (me) got pulled into one of the boys mates little brothers room. From then and there, I had blacked out waking up at home to an inbox from the boys ex-girlfriend. From the top of my memory, I acted out, I thought I could take her on. This went on through to Sunday, which was basically a full 24-hour blast on how I was a slut. Now I know that this boy and I definitely did not have sex because it would have been my first time. She thought different. His mate had a video of him and I just kissing or whatever, My ‘best friend’ videoed it for the boys mate, in the end I never got to see it. At school, I basically made my best friend go with me because I didn’t want to get confronted alone. Of coarse as soon as I get off the bus I hear “slut” “skank” “whore” “disgusting” all the names under the sun. I tried to ignore it and go on with my day. I was getting things thrown at me and all of the year 10 girls who thought they were tough followed me. Followed into the bathroom, class and around the yard. I took a step back, looked around and realized that I had no one there for me. NO ONE.

Everyone just stood there and watched as these girls were harassing me physically and mentally. The boy’s ex-girlfriend forced me to delete his number, while I was standing there so shaken. I was now known as the ‘schools slut’ because of these bullies for an unwanted and forced movement. The school counsellor just listened and laughed. Trying to sort it out right after the skinny girl who looked like Michael Jackson threatened me. Days lead to weeks and weeks lead to months of this bullshit. It was making me physically sick, every morning I was vomiting. Getting harassed over Facebook and physically pushed every time I went out for the night accidentally crossing paths with them.  One particular night I went out to devine, which is a nightclub for underages. I dressed up pretty because I was meeting a boy there, about an hour into the night one of the year 10 girls decides to come up with the main bitch (the ex-girlfriend) and blew smoke in my face. The mega bitch just got her silly little boyfriend to hold her back like a kindergarten kid not getting her ice cream. I laughed in a nervous way but not to retaliate, it was quite funny though. It got to the point where I had no friends there for me at the end of the day. Yes it hurts but I had to keep moving on. I must have gotten lucky for a bit though because I told my mum who blew smoke in my face and what they did, mum immediately called this girls mother. Unexcitingly, the girl that blew smoke in my face answered the phone, not letting my mum speak to her mother about the inappropriate actions performed by this girl. I got an inbox from her profusely apologizing for what she had done and that the bullying would stop. The bullying did stop but I was still alone. The teachers all knew what had happened along giving no support because I’m not popular. It hurt to be alone.  

 Chapter 3

Leading too

I had put up with the bullshit long enough before facing my main bully at the front of the school with the girl mum called and my supposedly ‘best friend’. My stomach was in knots and my brain just wanted to shut down. “I’m sorry” the mega bitch said in an unmeaning full tone. With my hands shaking again I was expecting her to make a stupid comment like she did last time, apparently I “gave to many handjobs” according to her. I definitely won’t forget the hurt and pain when everyone laughed, because it was so funny and all.  I wasn’t too sure what to do at this point, having given too much crap from the past. Isn’t pleasant to have thoughts of what this girl did to me., I didn’t have much liking of her at all. I immediately said “it’s ok” when not meaning any of it at all at the time. The girl who mum was on the phone to said “good now it’s all over so” and then the mega bitch interrupts “so what?, she’s not going to be my friend”. With me just standing there thinking of all the horrible things I could say without getting my face kicked in which would be the end result. She made me furious, not just her, all of them. I just had this unwanted fury inside of me wanting to lash out at her and the other girl. I was just to shy to uphold these thoughts and actually do what makes me happy, but the innocent girl makes everyone else happy but myself. After the mega bitches inappropriate comments were made, we all just moved on with the next few days like nothing ever happened. I was talking to my (now) boyfriend at whom I was hanging out with when I got smoke blown in my face, when finding out the mega bitch by the name (Kayla) was going out with his mate. Kayla started inboxing me saying we were going to be ‘close friends’ and a bunch of crap trying to suck me in like I’m dumb. Truth is, I knew she was the stupid one. She started coming up to me at school asking to hang out, I just listened and thought if I did hang out with her everyone would stop giving me this horrible name. Turns out, I did actually have a few fun times with her at school, it’s just unfortunate that she had to bully me to actually become friends with me. It’s not fair to judge me, bully me, hate me and point at me in all of the wrong ways there could be, turning out wanting to be my friend at the end. To be completely and brutally honest, I would rather die.