Throughout my whole life I've been in the background. I was never one of the 'popular' kids. In a way I'm glad because they were horrible people, but I still wanted some attention as any kid would. I was always the person they would "make jokes" with or at but I knew they were insults. But whenever they wanted someone to side with them they would go to me. I met my first friend in kindergarten or preschool and he and I were the best of friends all the way until 6th grade. He got dragged in with the populars and I stayed in the shadows, knowing I would be unaccepted. My second friend I met in 2nd grade when I saw that she had a tendency to be walking or playing tetherball by herself. So I walked up to her and we clicked automatically because of how similar we were. I lost all contact with her somewhere in the 7th grade. It says she deleted all her online accounts, email, whatever and when my phone crashed her number got deleted. I knew where she lived but my parents wouldn't take me unless they knew I was coming or I was having a sleepover. My 3rd friend I made was in 4th grade. He was new (we'll call him Mr. Green) and my guy friend (We'll call him Mr.Blue) and I said he would fit in with us perfectly. My other friend (we'll call her Ms. Red) wasn't a people person because of her shyness but she went along with it. Mr. Green always hung out with us even though the populars tried taking him from us but he only friended the nice ones. The others he didn't like. We seperated in 6th grade as well. I still go to school with Mr. Purple and Mr. Blue but in my mind I thought if they wanted a new group of friends that's okay. It may hurt but I won't force them to stay with me if they choose to stop talking to me. I still slightly talk to Mr. Green just to tell him that Ms. Red said hi (when I still had contact with her) or when both of us chose not to go on a field trip because we already went to one of the places in a field trip in elementary school. We were back to the way we were in elementary, like we never stopped talking. We got asked if we were dating in that room but I just said this," No, he has his friends and group and I have mine. We were just close friends in elementary," I remember saying that word for word because all I can remember is the pain I felt saying that because I knew that we had separated and the look on his face. It was sad, regret, guilt, and shock. Shock probably because when I said that I looked and sounded emotionless. You wouldn't of been able to have telled how much it hurt to know that one of the few people I ever trusted is no longer a big part of my life. My "friends" always made fun of me in middle school. They said they were just jokes but they didn't understand what words can do or how much it reminded me of elementary. Only Mr. Blue knew the bullying was going on because he can read me like a book. I made him promise to tell no one because I didn't want it to get worse. I cried on his shoulder begging him not to (this was in 3rd grade). But I never got hit because people made up a rumor that I got in a fight after school and didn't even get touched and the other person had to switch schools. I don't even know how they got that since I was always in the halls or out front where all the kids and parents were. I was picked on for the weirdest things, like being shy, or getting glasses in the middle of 4th grade, or getting good grades, just simple stuff. Choir was my escape and so were plays in elementary. Because we all come together and in choir no one hurt me. They left me be. Choir helped me because I always listened and paid attention to the words and I would make lyrics mottos or use them to try and help myself. Because the words the bullies spoke hurt. They never understand just how much they affect others by their words. I can't trust anyone anymore. When my friends left me like all the other kids I kept thinking well if they can do that so easily then what would stop the other students from doing so. I always hide who I truly am from others unless I know they will stay. No one knows how much I hurt on the inside, or how my dad always calls me names or fat even though he swears they don't mean anything, or how I've had moments where I thought, why am I here when I am so unwanted, unnoticed, unnecessary in this world. I can never hurt myself because before I do I remind myself that that is a sign of victory for them. It will give bullies the satisfaction of knowing they caused me to break, and that they have so much power over me that I hurt myself. I can't give that to them. I want my friends back so bad, I miss our friendships but I know they moved on. They have their friends and I have my acquaintances. I just wish they could help me through the bullying. I'm not trying to get too specific in it just because it hurts to type it or even think of it. I am willing to say I get picked on by words but I can't say what. When I was in my most desperate moment for everything to end I heard this band called Black Veil Brides. I heard their song 'Saviour' and 'Knives and Pens.' I looked up the band and they showed me that I am not alone and that they got through it and made the band for people like me. The outcasts. They showed me that there is something beautiful in this world, you just have to find it. I'm getting closer to accepting the fact I'm just another girl in the background. Never really get paid actual attention. I'm starting to accept the fact that my "friends" don't really care what I have to say. Because of BVB I'm getting stronger and stronger everyday. I know I will meet people who will care about me in the future but for now. I need to  accept what's around me and understand who I am. I need to be proud of who I am. Bullying may still occur but I will try as hard as I can to fight against the pain it causes.