the result

tall, beautiful. gorgeous smile that can light up any room, even if you didnt know her at all. she always always tells people how amazing they are, she saved my life more than once. shes funny, and quirky. and she has the most gorgeous voice. i cant tell you how many times she made people feel better on their worst days. 

bullying happens at every school. nobody notices it, unless its happening to you. nobody knew she was being bullied so bad. but like the rest of us, a master of disguise. 

i remember walking into school a tad late that day, and i had my headphones in. i walked out into the portables and sat down as quiet as i could be, and took out my headphones as the teacher was reading off of a piece of paper, "this is truly a tradgety. alright well ill let you guys sit for a while and talk amongst yourselves if you need to, i know how hard this can be for some people" and he walked back to his desk and sat down.

i was so confused, what had just happened..? more budget cuts i bet. our school is getting crappier and crappier. sitting here for a minute, people were kinda goofing off like nothing was actually happening, i mean budget cuts werent that bad haha. but there was a pinching feeling in my gut. i couldnt really fight my own curiosity, so i stumbled my way from the back row up to Mr. Coons' desk, "morning, so what happened? i walked in a little late and i missed the announcement" he looked up at me for a second, with the strangest expression. i couldnt tell what he was thinking, until he picked up the paper and said, "a freshman at our school has taken her own life last night" 

i just stopped breathing. i couldnt blink, move, i couldnt think. it was like my whole body was put on pause, frozen. had i heard the name right? no, it cant be. i know her better than that. they got the wrong person. but i couldnt help it, the thought of her dying made me cry. it wasnt true, of course. but it still made me sad knowing someone died, especially in that way.

mr coons told me to take my things up to the library, where they had a support group for those who needed it. i didnt need to go, i mean it wasnt anyone i knew. but i guess it was a good idea anyways, i could help the others who were there. probably only a few people.

i slowed my walk to a stroll as i got calmer and thought, 'how could that happen to anyone i knew, or even someone at my school'. i wasnt sad anymore, because i had convinced myself that it wasnt that bad.

i managed up the steep steps, about to turn a corner to the hallway leading to the library. i approached a bathroom, and i heard a sniffle.

no. this cant be happening. no, i wont believe it. 

my good friend Noa walked out of the bathroom. her face was red and puffy, her eyes swollen and glassy like she was crying. 

she turned to me, looked me in the eye. thats all i needed.

i collapsed to the floor, i cried. i couldnt function, all i could do was scream and cry. i couldnt walk. noa came over and she was bawling, she said, "i know, i know layne. i cant believe this is happening. why would she do this... why her..??"

next thing i know, im being pulled to my feet, and half dragged and half walked to the library. there were easily 40 or 50 people there crying and total wreaks. they were all here for her, each and every one of them was touched by her in some incredible way.

it was the hardest day for me, in my whole life. when someone you love, and care about. your best friends eve, when they take their own life, it never... its never something that youre okay with. you dont get over it. ever. but you learn how to cope. thats how you get through the days, you learn how to live without them. its almost her birthday, september 27th. she would have been 16 years old! 

she took her own life because of severe bullying inside, and outside of school. 

i can testify that bully9ing is a serious crime. i have dealt with it my whole life. kids putting gum in my hair, stealing my clothes. they used to stalk me down the hallways until there were no teachers around and then kick me to the concrete wall and hit me and spit on me. im 4th grade they used to put dirt and worms in my lunch because i was fat. the day before my honor band concert, i had gotten an explosion of texts from numbers i didnt know tellling me to kill myself, that i was fat, ugly, stupid, ignorant, wetback, pussy, dyke, bitch, annoying, lesbian, tranny, asshat, that i should shove my face in the garbage where it belongs. 

that stuff doesnt go away. i deal with bullying every single day, and im scared for my brother having to go through it as well. im 16 almost 17, i am a junior at westview high school in portland oregon. and this problem needs to be stopped. im sick of being scared to go to the bus stop and listen to the kids talk about how flat my chest is, and how i dress like a faggot. i just want to feel safe at school, and i want people to remember my dear friend who took her life. she would have wanted this to stop. 


rest in peace my marina bug, Marina Raquel Hamblin-Rock. september 27th, 1998- june 5th 2013. 

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