this year hasn't been wonderful at all. I have started dressing a lot darker that I was last year. I wear all black almost everyday. Yes, there are people who are nice to me but more than usual there are people who aren't so nice. I have been repeatedly been called emo for like this entire year. Yeah some of you might think, well that's not so bad but it really is. It is a very offensive word that some person thought it would be funny to create. I hate it.
Also, one by one my friends have started to desert me. I can literally count all of my true friends on one hand. No one wants to go out with me or seems to take any interest in me.
I have been bullied my whole life. I have always been heavier and not as pretty as everyone. I was constantly teased and often times blackmailed. My life is a living hell. When someone comes up to me and says im a stupid emo or my music sucks, it brings back those feeling that I felt when I was a little younger. When people would send me home crying. I am a rather mean person. But can you blame me? People say that your peers around you are the best influence. But when you have been tortured all your life you are kind of taught to be defensive and rather mean. But don't worry I don't go out of my way to hurt other people though. I pretty nice when it comes to other people's feelings.
I also self-harm. I know some of you may think its stupid but it does serve a purpose. Its different for everyone though. I get so sad sometime that it is like the only way I feel I can escape from that. But for anyone else I strongly say, do not go down this road. Or if you already have, im so sorry and stay strong.
Ever since I have been constantly teased about my weight I have had an eating disorder. I rarely eat. This year it has become so bad that some day I go without eating anything. I am obsessed about perfect bodies. Because that is what guys like. They like a girl who is skinny and can look good in a bikini. Not like a cow. So I am not eating so I can be as perfect as possible.
I honestly don't know when or if it is going to get better. But for all of you that know how I feel, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Andi hope it gets better for all of you.