It's quite a long story, like many others you might read, you see similarities of the repetitive nature of name calling that goes on in school, and the actions of students ostracizing a fellow student and making them invisible. I was that student, I was invisible, I was called names, and I was physically, sexually, and verbally abused by classmates. I was sensitive, kind, a good listener, and also compassionate. My sense of self was depleted as I was ridiculed, trash thrown on me during recess, a boy in my class attacking me on the bus by sitting on me, getting gum thrown in my hair, being called some slurs and other names that I don't want to write for their nature of offense is too harsh. The attacks seemed like a constant barrage of hatred, and maliciousness. It started in fourth grade and continued into high school. I was silent, the bullying left me feeling worthless, helpless, and empty. I became quite adapted at hiding my emotions and also pretending everything was okay. I convinced myself somehow to survive despite the hatred and intensity of the actions directed toward me. I numbed both through starving, and striving for what became an endless pursuit of perfection. I felt control, food was control, my grades were control, things I could control, despite the world around me, that seemed to be slatting it's worst at me in every moment at least to a Sixteen year olds mind, when the world is small. I was scared of myself, so I hid, and became lost to my identity of that compassionate, kind, good listener, thoughtful, intelligent, and sort of funny girl. After the bullying in high school, I entered college numbed both by the eating disorder I had developed, and another goal the endless pursuit of perfection both physically as well as anything outwardly, I was driven by these things. The bullying had in part, been one of the factors in causing me to latch on to these false ideas and identities in the midst of time that was turbulent. Soon, things changed, bullying after high school was minimal, and I started achieving in College. The GPA became my measure, my weight, and I built a even taller wall, as I refused to let anyone in, that might cause me harm. I went on this way for three years, but slowly my wall started crumbling as my soul craved connection and friendship. I started talking more, and opening up to my college friends. The more I talked, and listened, the more I realize I was not alone. I connected, this connection brought me to seek help for my eating disorder, and now after two rounds of intensive eating disorder treatments and counseling, somehow I have pieced together myself without the wall and barriers I once used to block out the hurt. I embraced my quirks and also my personality. I want to tell this as a story of hope,as the truth is stronger then the lies of other people and bullies. The truth is your truth, that you live by and what makes you. I choose to be an advocate for those who don't have a voice. I am now a teacher, compassionate, and my faith in Christ is my truth. I have broken that wall built to protect from bullying and now I'm free!!
By writing some words below, you are showing your support and letting everyone know they're not alone.