I never really surrounded myself with people. I was always the quite girl. I grew up with a that became broken when I was only four. I went to a school that had a very bad system for bullying and watching over the students. Ever since I started I was bullied, picked on, and beaten. I was different. I didn't go searching for friends, I didn't do much of anything really. As I got older, the bullying only got worse. It went from stupid name calling to full on harassment. I was called emo, gay, a loser, a bitch, a loner, a waste of a human life. When I would try to stand up for myself, I was picked on for that as well. This went on and on, inside and later on, outside of school. I was terrified to go to school cause I knew what was waiting there, but even so I wouldn't raise my voice and tell anyone. The kids would tell me that things would only get worse if I told on them and if I couldn't handle them now, how could I handle it getting worse? I remember it got really bad in the seventh grade, so bad I tried to commit suicide in my classroom. If they all wanted me dead so badly, I would just give them what they wanted. I think the worst part of that was that I couldn't even bring myself to tell the school I wanted to die from the bullies. I lied cause I thought they would kill me if I said anything. It then turned into me becoming that emo kid. I sat home and self harmed and when I was at school I just excepted what the kids had to say. I began to turn into the very thing I was being tormented for. And because I was always quiet, no one thought anything was wrong.
People always say that high school will be the best four years of your life, what a bunch of lies. Around my 2nd year of high school I came out as pansexual and coming out in a catholic school was not the best of choices. People began to spread rumors and soon enough I had people avoiding me like I had the plague. It was like nothing changed. Until I met a few wonderful people.
Until I met my best friends from Primary and High School, I thought that there wasn't a reason to live. They were bullied and we were able to help each other out and stand up for one another. Had I not met them, my life would be so dark or maybe, I wouldn't have a life anymore. They were there when I couldn't raise my voice. They were the ones who heard my cries when no one else could. They were there for the four suicide attempts in the past seven years of my life when no one else was. Because of them I met the girl I'm in love with now. Because of them I can stand up to the people that say nasty things to/about me. I still suffer from major depression, but I'm getting better. Everyday is still a struggle, but I know that there are people that care and love me now, people that would be broken if I left. I'm not fully confident in myself yet, but I'm getting there and that's what matters. I'm going on two years without a suicide attempt and my first full year without self-harming. Things are getting better. I'm not sure how I would have turned out if I wasn't bullied, but I know that I wouldn't have made the true friends I have now if it wasn't for that. I hate those bullies for everything they've put me through, but I'm grateful that I wasn't alone, even though it took me forever to realize that.
I'm still the quiet girl, but now I know, silence isn't always golden.
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