This is the story about what led me to carve the word 'Perfect' into my arm with a razor blade. I have been bullied my entire life, since I was in preschool. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 3, and was put on medication immediately. My reaction to being bullied was to hit the person hurting me. I was a very intelligent child, but extremely impulsive, I thank God every day for the parents I have, because without them, and the way they raised me, I'm sure that I may have attacked my attackers at some point. It got worse as I grew up, I was easily persuaded into doing things to other kids I normally wouldn't do, for example in first grade, I was told to hit a kid with my lunch box and I did, because I thought it would make me fit in. It most certainly did not. After second grade I changed from a private school to a public school. The bullying did not get better, in fact it got worse. I was still hitting my attackers, but I was never punished because of the attacks. But neither were my attackers and bullies. When I got to sixth grade and the start of middle school, I thought 'Finally, things are going to be so much better.' But I was absolutely wrong. People called me a 'nerd', 'geek', 'weirdo', 'psycho', 'big nose', and more. I got into more fights, mainly I fought to defend myself at this point. When a girl threatened to kill me with a lava lamp she had on her person at the time, I went into defense mode, and attacked to give myself a chance to run away. Instead of her being punished for her threats I was the one given a suspension. Middle school turned into the worst three years of my life; until high school started. In my 9th grade year, I was quite popular, I mean I didn't run in the truly 'popular' crowds but I had so many friends for once, people who accepted me, and understood me. Unfortunately, somebody started a rumor about me, claiming I was pregnant. It spread like wildfire and I tried so hard to end the rumors and dispute the claims. As far as I could tell things had abated quite well. Then on my fifteenth birthday, the last day of 9th grade, I was leaving my last class to go to my mom's car, when from behind me somebody threw a full Gatorade bottle at my head. I turned around but in all the hustle and bustle of students leaving for the summer break I couldn't tell who had thrown it. Needless to say I burst into tears and ran crying to my mother's car. Then in 10th grade, another girl with the same first name as me, who was a freshman actually did get pregnant. Which started up the rumors about me being pregnant again. This led to people saying, 'When's the baby due', 'Can I feel it kick?', 'slut', and more. It got to the point that I was dreading going to class so much, I became physically ill and had to go home. My school had a policy, if you miss more than 14 days in any class you automatically drop and fail the class. I ended up failing and dropping my entire spring semester of classes for 10th grade. I just stopped going to school within the last few weeks, there was no point. During this time, I was using a website called, Formspring. You can anonymously or non-anonymously ask people questions there, I was given anonymous cyber bullying through this website. I couldn't take it any longer, that's the first time I ever considered suicide. I mean I had thought before, 'What would people do if I died? Would anyone care? Would anybody even go to my funeral?' but I had never actually sat down and formulated a plan. I never went through with my attempt, I was too afraid of feeling pain when I killed myself, so I told my mother what was happening and that's when we started going to therapy again. That's when I found OFL, Opportunities For Learning, it's an independent study, kind of like homeschooling. I finished my high school education there, and earned my diploma, not only on time, but EARLY. The bullying had stopped at school, when I was going to OFL. But it wasn't just school that I was bullied, I began to be bullied at my job, by coworkers. There was nothing I could do about it though, I was a new employee and the people bullying me, they were the shift leads and the people who had worked there the longest. What claim could I make that would be supported or even believed? Eventually I quit the job and moved with my dad to Bakersfield. I just started going to college at Bakersfield College for my first semester this year. There is a group that hangs out in the cafeteria every day, that I tried to hang out with, and did for a while, but apparently they all had problems with me. None of them could come tell me what was wrong so instead they all put it on somebody else's shoulders to tell me I was 'voted out' of the group. I stayed away, just like they had asked. I found new friends, ones that treated me better. But then one day a girl from the group came after me threatening to beat me up because of a rumor. A rumor that I believe she herself started. I stopped going to my school's GSA club (Gay Straight Association) because the people threatening me were in this club. When the president of the club and other members on the board came up to me asking why I wasn't coming anymore, I was reluctant to say anything, I was trying to stay anonymous. But I gave in, I told them about all the people in the club threatening me and how it wasn't a safe space for me any longer. They brought the issue up to the members and kept my name anonymous, but the circumstance and situations were too similar. They knew it was me. Recently we have gotten a confession page on Facebook for our college. There have been four or five confessions about me specifically, all telling lies, people are bullying me through the internet. Two days ago, I called the suicide hotline for my city because I couldn't do it anymore, and I had nobody to talk to about how I was feeling. They helped me. But the next morning I saw more posts, and I called the number again. I had class yesterday, but I was so afraid to step foot on my campus and show my face that I refused to go. I'm afraid to go on Monday. I finally took a stand though, I called my school and reported the threats and the comments, they even asked me if I could come into the school to give my statement but I told them I was too afraid to come onto the campus. How I watch behind my back every moment now, I carry pepper spray because I don't want to be attacked or hurt by these vicious people. Yesterday I dyed my hair to a different color because it was being used as an identifier to find me on campus. Yesterday my dad somehow convinced me to go out and run a few errands with him, we went to a Walmart near our house, and I was so afraid that somebody from my school would see me that I was watching everybody, I didn't want to get verbally harassed or even physically. Yesterday, I carved the word 'Perfect' into my arm because I am perfect. At least to me anyways.
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