Because of my fathers work our family had to move around a lot. Every time we moved I had to adjust to new people, new classmates. Sometimes it was fun, but at a certain age kids feel like they have to show their dominance and pick on the new kid. I found a way to get the bullies off me quick; crying. Bad idea..it worked in the short run, but it made me more a target. The crying wasn't even real, it was just a defence machanism, that worked. The actual crying was done alone, in bed in the evening, knowing that the next day would be as terrible as the day before..and in the morning, knowing it was going to happen this day. I would hurt myself..hate myself. Knowing nothing would change. Talking to my parents wasn't an option at all...their advise was that they should take me to school to take care of me....wich would be totally counterproductive, obviously. So I just took it.. Then I went to "highschool" (dutch variation of it)...I thought I could start over...unfortunatelly we lived in a village community...so the same kids came to the same highschool. It took a while..but I found a couple of friends...some stabbed me in the back to make themselves look cooler, some friends stayed. Then I had a breakthrough; I made some painting on my schoolbag of the comic "the punisher". One of the hard-rock kids read the comic too..and we became friends. I kept my bullied friends close, but hung out with the hard-rock crew too..and I found some sort of peace. Just when everything was going fine....we moved again. I knew that I would just have to go to school there for 2 years before I would go to universtity..so I didn't even try to make friends. During recess I would just hang out by myself, minding my own buisiness...and people came to me, to hang out....and from then on I stopped trying. From all the beating I realised that I shouldn't try to make friends...friends make themselves.
Even now (I'm 38 now), I don't have hang-out friends, but the people I consider friends are people who would take a bullet for me, and I for them. The "Goonies" scenario, isn't for everyone. Be selective.
it does hurt me once in a while when my family is suprised that I wasn't happy in that period...they never seemed to notice. My mother always told me, as a "goodbye", "don't get yourself bullied!"...smiling. I kept it to myself, explaining the bruises I caused myself with some shitty story. My parents never knew, eventhough I tried to tell them. They couldn't imagine the sadness I felt every morning waking up, as I am sure that things have changed so much since my childhood and I can't even try to relate how things are now.
I have no advise....my "hapiness" came from letting go....friends come naturally, don't try, you are not alone...with all the social media there are always people you can talk to. And...if I would give any advise; it will get better. As far as I can tell, or say anything....the quiet ones are the most talented and intelligent people...people who prefer listening over talking. I work with people all over the world now who think the way I think, who complete eachothers sentences. None of the friends I have now would have picked on me when I was young...and the people who did? No idea where they are, and I don't care.
Just for fucks sake; don't do anything to hurt yourself or anyone else. You are not alone.....
I am Martin Tedder on facebook and my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
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