Love Always Finds a Way
They say that every child will have a minimum of four individuals within their life that will make a significant difference on their lives. Two of these individuals need to be obvious choices, their parents. The other choices can be aunts, uncles, cousins, friends of the family, etc.
However, the most important will be the parents, for obvious reasons. The mom and dad are the most important ingredients to a child’s development. Missing one of them could potentially lead to a uncertain future. How do I know this? I was missing one of my parents for majority of my life. I did not know or see my mother for over fourteen years.
Growing up without one of my parents was very difficult as you have probably assumed. There were many reasons to this, the main one was having the thought process that it was my fault. I felt it was me, I was the reason my mother was not around. I loved my mother, I missed my mother, and I often wondered if the feelings were mutual.
Coping and dealing with this obviously was difficult as I was quite young. I could not understand when my family tried to convince me I was going to be ok, if anything them saying that just angered me more. How could someone who is not in my position tell me how I was going to feel, how could they predict the outcome?
The only person who could ever allow me to have a type of answer was my mother. I needed to hear it from her, I needed to hear her express the most popular question, why? I grew up with a confrontational and easily angered mentality.
I grew up with a no nonsense attitude. I wanted to have closure, I wanted to confront my mother. It meant everything to me to confront her, show her how angry I was, let her know how I felt. However, every time I looked at the photo I got, I couldn’t help but hold back the tears, how could I miss someone I barely knew? Did I miss my mother, or was I just missing what I really never understood, which was the mother’s touch? Being I was so young I did not know how to control my anger or temper. It was so sporadic, anything that reminded me of my mother, or a mother in general set me off.
The hardest part was seeing my cousins and friends spend time with both their parents. Observing this behavior only reminded me of what I missed, of what I craved. I wanted my mother to miss me and love me. My father soon enough started to date other women, this was the ultimate test. I failed that test, and boy did I fail it miserably.
Seeing my father with other women angered me to the point where I could not stand it. I obviously held it all in for awhile, however, it was not long before I started to show my anger. Seeing my father with other women just confirmed to me that I may never see my dream become a reality. What was that dream? My parents being together. I was driven to make that dream a reality, however, I was perplexed. I was so back and fourth. Would that dream ever come true? I will not quit until it does, but can it honestly ever happen? I want it to, I need it to. War with myself.
I did whatever I could to disallow my father from having a relationship. Simple tactics that included sneaking into my fathers bed, to ease dropping through walls, to misbehaving to have the female I was too much baggage. I tried it all.
I was so angry with my father, so angry. I felt it was wrong for him to see other women, I felt it was wrong for him to try and move on. I see now it was wrong of me, however, back then I felt it was all justified. I honestly convinced myself that one day my parents will be together. Heck, I just missed my mother so much at this point.
It did not matter no woman would ever be good enough for me, as she was not my mother. I grew up craving that mothers touch, that mothers love, and that chance to look my mom in the eyes and just say “I love you mom”.
This is why I am so confrontational, I never had the time to tell my mother how I felt. Growing up with all that anger and not having the chance to confront drove me near insane. This is why now I am so confrontational. I need to confront those who anger or hurt me. I have to, as if I do not I just build the tension and anger up, until I potentially snap.
Being I never had this chance with my mother, I held all my anger in. Eventually I had to have my breaking point right? I did. I remember I asked my father about my mother, and where she was. I did not like that answer and I snapped. I recall crying in my room and ripping the only photo I had of my mother. I ripped it up while uttering “where are you, why are you not here with me, why is it my half sister gets you, but not me!”.
My father then started a relationship that would eventually turn very serious. I did not adjust well to it. Even though I was roughly eight years old, I still did not accept it. I felt like my father did not care about me missing my mother, or the fact that I wanted him and her together. I took it very personally.
It did not matter how nice she was to me, it did not matter what she bought me, nor did it matter how much she tried to impress me. I just was not accepting it. I felt this was the way my father was going to close the door on my mother. I felt this was his way of saying “Dave, son, you have to let your mom go, close that door”.
No, that is not your call. That is MY mother I will not allow anyone to replace her, no matter how long it has been since I have seen her. It is my choice when or even if I ever close that door, that is my loss, that is my mother. I am the only person who can make that choice.
I honestly felt I was being forced to forget my mother, to understand she may never come around. I refused to accept that, I refused to quit on my mother. I knew one day I was going to find her, I knew one day I would confront her, I knew one day I would get that hug. I knew it, and nothing or anyone was going to disallow me that.
I made it very difficult on my father and step-mother. I know I did. However, I did not care. I was determined to never allow my step-mother to replace my mother. I was so angry, however, I now realize I was more hurt then anything.
People ask, “did you ever deal with it, did you ever just accept it?”. My answer is simple, no. I accepted the fact my father was with my step-mother, I accepted that she was around taking care of me. However, I would never accept it enough to call her “mom”, as I knew one day I’d see my mother. I knew I would.
I started getting very depressed when my father and step-mother got more serious. I am talking about when my father announced they were engaged. I remember I acted happy, however, deep down I was screaming and very angry. I did not want to accept that.
My grades in school started to drop, I started to show signs of anger and aggression. I made it clear I was not happy at any chance I got. I started to develop an attitude where I would show disrespect, where I would ignore people, where I would talk back. I was very unhappy, however, more so very hurt and saddened.
Then came the birth of my first sister. That sealed it for me. When she was born I knew I had to accept it, I just did not know how. I love all four of my sisters all the same, they all mean the world to me. However, I just did not know what this meant. Was I now going to lose time with my father, who I already barely ever saw due to his work schedule?
My father worked a lot when I was growing up. I remember when he was working two jobs, and some weeks and months it felt like he was never home. I felt him and I becoming very distant. Now with the birth of my first sister I knew I would barely get time with him, I felt more isolated and neglected.
I dealt with all this the only way I knew how, anger. I was always angry, literally always. Every chance I got I would think about memories that I did have of my mom, one image mostly. I always remember a white van, the van had a couch in the back. I remember my mother picking me up and I was screaming I did not want to go. I then remember a bunch of trees overlooking a street. This was the constant and only true memory that I had of my mother.
When I turned eighteen I had enough. I moved out on my father into my grandparents house when I was seventeen. I got to the point where I needed to find and locate my mother. I needed to. I recall speaking to my cousin who lived in Edmonton at the time on Yahoo Messenger.
I remember seeing my aunt on my moms side on his contact list. I then swallowed and asked him if she would have my moms account. He said “let me check”. As I was waiting I was frozen, I was worried, nervous, angry, scared, and concerned. Not too long after he said “yup, here it is, this is your moms account”.
What? Was it really that easy. Are you telling me it only took me a couple minutes to obtain contact info to my mother? I grew very angry at this point. I started to ask, “why did my mom not take this couple of minutes to find me?”
I then just went by my gut, I added her to my list. I was so hyped, I was so ready to confront her. I was ready. Well, until I saw next to her name it said “online”. I froze, I had tears appear. I remember my aunt held me and asked if I was ok. My father also called me and asked if he wanted me to come over. Its like everyone knew how I was going to react. They were right.
I sent her a message simply saying “hi”, when she replied I cannot explain how I felt. I just knew I needed to confront her, I needed to. I remember her saying “if you do not want to call me mom, I understand”. I remember I said “I will call you mom”. When I first referred to her as mom tears started to flow. I have never called anyone that in so many years, and to finally say it overwhelmed me. Am I really speaking to my mom right now, after over fourteen years?
I was overwhelmed. However, I remember I told her how angry I was, how hurt I was, and how I wanted and need to see her. We talked for so long that night, we then exchanged phone numbers. I remember the first time I called her, hearing her voice for the first time broke me down. I thought it could not get any more emotional. I was wrong.
When she first told me she loved me over the phone, I remember I said it back, and as soon as I hung that phone I broke down. I was so happy. It was almost like all my anger left me, all I know is I missed my mother and I needed to see her.
We then figured out a time we can meet as she would drive to Calgary with my two younger sisters. I was so excited, and so very nervous. I remember my aunt said she would stay with me, and my father called and said he would come over if need be. This was huge to me, fourteen years I craved, cried, and asked for this. It was finally happening, I was going to meet my mother!
I remember when she called and said she would be at my place in under five minutes I started pacing. My heart was racing, I could already feel the tears coming. Then I saw her vehicle pull up, and I panicked. I did not know how to react. I did not know how I was going to react.
Then I saw her climb out of the vehicle with my sisters, and I can only remember me saying to myself “that’s my mother”, they all then came to the door and rang the bell. I opened it and when I first saw her I did not know what to say except for “hi mom”.
I remember when I first hugged my mom the tears just flowed, on both ends. We just held each other and cried. It was surreal, very surreal. I finally got the mothers touch! I finally felt how it feels to hug your mother. I did not want to let go.
My mother and I are very close now, we talk as often as we can. However, I do not see her or my other sisters not near enough. I do not have any grudges towards my mother. I understand that there is no point, the past is the past. All I care about now is that I have my mother in my life. That’s all that matters to me.
Having my mother in my life completes me. For so long I felt incomplete, having her here now completes the puzzle that is me. I love you mom, I miss you so much everyday. I promise to only do what I can to always make you proud.
I now have one of the four individuals in my life that completes me. No matter what I learned from this that family always works out. I learned that no matter where someone is in the world if you truly love them, you will find them again. I have also learned that life without a mother is not easy for anyone, and the same goes for those without a father.
Never feel you did anything wrong, never grow up thinking you were the cause to them not being there. It is not fair to you to think that. Just always know that while you are breathing, and so is your parent there is the chance one day you will meet and be close. Never quit on family. I never quit on my mother, now I know why. I knew I would find her.
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