Lived To Tell The Tale

I have managed to live through the bullying that has happened all throughout my life and I will probably happen for the rest of my life. I grew up in a home filled with abuse and have gone to schools filled with nothing but abuse with bullying. My home was filled with verbal, emotional and physical abuse that came from my parents. Their abuse was caused by their faltering marriage and the bullying at school. When I was younger I would go to school everyday to only get verbal and physical abuse from kids, while I was at recess a whole bunch of boys would gang up on me; throwing rocks and jeering at me. I would be standing their waiting for the teacher to notice but after 5 minutes she never did, so I finally gave up and threw a punch to get them to back off. That was when the teacher finally noticed and I was the one to get in trouble. Throughout elementary and middle school I had to deal with detention, taunts, things thrown at me, mockery and everything you could imagine during school. Then when I got home I had to deal with my parents punishments, verbal abuse of why I can't be the perfect daughter, their emotional abuse and then my fathers physical abuse of a leather belt across my bare buttocks 13 times in a row and a wooden paddle across it as well. My mother also broke wooden and plastic spatulas or spoons over my bare buttocks. It didn't where I went whether it be school or home I could not get away from the bullying. I started harming myself in middle school by giving myself deep eraser burns on my left hand (the scars are still there). By the time high school came things were a little more easier to deal with. My parents divorced and become a little bit better at being parents. I changed to a new school filled with mostly Mormons, which for me was a good thing, because even though people were still bully's they did it behind my back and left me alone. I still had problems here and there during high school but I knew I could escape them by going to the Art Room, where my best friend (a teacher) was to help me through my problems. I would stay after school for 3-4 hours to escape my mothers house and talk my problems out with my Art teacher. If it wasn't for my Art teacher I wouldn't be the person I am today. My home life, living with my mother, was terrible. Her verbal and mental abuse still kept going and the physical abuse came up once in awhile. My mother would never stop bashing me for not being like my sister, who was all sweet and innocent, listened, wore colored clothing, outgoing, willing to do anything to please others, and showed her emotions. I'm sorry if I was going through an angry-goth phase, with no emotions and wouldn't listen. I was tired of my mothers attitude and getting pushed around. I was getting tired of trying to please her, which is impossible. Eventually, my mom and I stopped having a decent relationship. We started fighting and arguing more and more as the years progressed. Our fights become so physical we were throwing each other around the room and breaking furniture while we were at it. There was not a day that went by that did not have any sort of yelling or abuse. My freshman I developed an anxiety order called, Trichotillomania, which is a hair-pulling disorder. My sophmore year I started cutting myself with anything sharp, because I couldn't get my emotions out well enough and they hurted so much I wanted them gone. At that time, the cutting felt good because the emotions of anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, loneliness and everything else went away with the blood dripping down my forearm. My senior year years things became worse and worse and worse. I was cutting more and this time it went to my thigh to conceal it better because I was no longer wearing arm warmers and mom knew if i cut myself I would wear them or long-sleeve shirts. It was then I started hiding with pants. My mom started getting me thrown on so many depression pills to where I became bipolar and eventually she found the cuts on my leg and freaked out that they weren't just barely nicking the skin. They became 2 centimeters deep. So my father, without looking at them, helped mother throw me into a psych ward. Where my self-esteem disappeared. I was treated like an animal but with a few lies I got out of there within a week. I got back to school and went straight for my Art teacher and it was then I week later my teacher helped me finally realize that I didn't have to please everyone. I finally became my own person and didn't care what others think. I mean yeah it still hurt that mother doesn't love me for who am, but my father started liking me more because I became more mature and became my own person. Yeah, the cutting still continued but after my parents throwing me into the psych ward for the second time. I stopped cutting after my parents aand the psych ward found out that I didn't need to be on the 12 different pills. I got cut down to 5 pills and gained 20 pounds. I was only on those meds because my mother was trying to fix me and turn me into the daughter she has always wanted. I am now in college and still deal with a few things but things are so much better. I have a couple bullys here and there but right now my bully is my mother. I only see her once a month to get food now, ever since I got my own cell phone. I got tired of her getting upset with me and shutting the phone off. The second time she shut it off, I went to Boost and got myself an android. Now she is upset that I left her a two year contract, when it was her fault. She still tries to control me but so far it is not working. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who understands me, I have stopped hurting myself, except for the occasional Trichotillomania that acts up, but is pretty controlled now thanks to my nicotine addiction and my boyfriend. 

I found out with a little bit of guidance to be yourself, not give people the satisfaction they want, don't care what others think and stand up for yourself. To this current day, at the age of 20, I stand up for myself and others when it comes to bullying. I also report the bullying acts to the dean of my college and I am working on getting the activities people to bring in an event to bring awareness to bullying.

For those looking for a little wisdom, just be yourself and don't care what other people think of you. All that matters is what you think about yourself.

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