This movemeny breaks my heart because it hit close to home. It makes me think how badly I was being bullied when I was younger. It's so sad to think that kids at a young age can even think about ending their life just because of the mean words people can say. I know because I wanted to end my life at the young age of 9..10 maybe. How can that happen so early in a childs life? i think back now that i have a daughter. i couldnt even imagine if my daughter even felt an ounce of how i did back then what i would do. Not because of people in school but places where I was supposed to feel safe and loved. At home and at the church I grew up in. With parents and "friends" that were supposed to have a foundation on godly love. I do not regret it at all because it had made me the feisty little popper i am nowadays, standing up for what I believe is right. I know things are not that way now; my family is as close as we've ever been, and I've learned to forgive people's actions in my past, but I do believe its why I lost a lot of faith growing up. That was not love to me. Love is not supposed to leave a 10 year old crying herself to sleep every night thinking about the packed bag underneath her bed and the stolen knife in my bedside table. The only thing that kept me holding on was my friends at school and if I just closed my eyes, it'd be morning already, and I'd be with them soon.
Guess that's why I cherish my friendships, and I can never understand how friendships can go awry when a person feels its okay to take advantage of someone that's there for you unconditionally. But ultimately, it changed me to the person I am today. Just a young girl, trying to fit in and be accepted, I got brought down by "friends" with ridicules and names calling; bullying. "Why are you even here Abigail?" "Nobody wants you here." "Why don't you just go away." "Why do you even exist." "Why are you even alive?" Why am I alive? ... Of course first thing in a young girls mind is: well, guess I'm better off dead. And then after crying alone on a roof that ive run away to for hours. I'd go home to constant nagging and yelling and blaming and fighting. Getting picked on by my own family, getting chores put on me that was not just a mental but physical strain. I look back now as a mother and think what I would've done different but at the same time slightly sympathetic to the discipline. Even though I never felt the love, deep down I know the care was there. That's why I held on. But I can't tell you the countless times I still thought back to that bag underneath me and the weapon beside me. My younger sister is 8 years younger. I, at least, had my older sister there for moral support growing up. There was a point where i finally was over being quiet. Maybe I hurt so bad and was disciplined because I was the black sheep. Because I had an opinion. Because I spoke my mind. But I didn't want my little sister to go through that alone. That's why I've stayed by her side, guiding her, filling her with my knowledge, and relating with her as much as I could. If it wasn't my friends keeping me alive, it was my sisters. They've kept me sane and strong all these years. If not for me, for them.
As anything in life the bullying soon passed and I was accepted as one of them. It's like some sort of sick initiation to get in their group. And we, as a whole, found someone else to bully. My heart is heavy that I caved to something that just merely made me want to end my life not so long ago. It was short lived.. and I started to become wiser. My eyes were opened. That is when I started to not care what people thought of me. Going to a school that I loved so much because I was a charismatic nerd with an oddball personality. Who knew those traits would thrive in a mere 30 person class per grade private school. But I felt like the leader of the herd there. And I was friends with everyone. The turmoil I had gone through at such a young age strengthened me and matured my mind where I feel as I though the same then as I do now. I befriended all. My friends in school too, luckily enough, had big caring hearts just as mine. The "nerds" in our class, we adopted them in and made them "cool". (Haha, that sounds so vain, but in simplicity, thats what it came down to.) I didn't care who a person was, if I liked them, they were my friend and I'd stick up for them. It was weird because it set this sense of balance in my grade which makes us still good friends till this day 15 years later. We have the joy of our past which back then a child's "world" is so minuscule when compared to our crazy adult life. In a child's eyes, it's exactly it; their world.
And this carried into highschool as I never fall into a solid clique. I was involved in everything. And kept all friendships at the same plateau. It might've built walls up and kept me guarded but I think it's ok to guard yourself, guard your heart. You are irreplaceable. No one else is like you. And you are worthy of anything you dream of and anything you think you deserve. In my mind everyone was equal and no one is in any position to judge another. I didn't need church or elders to tell me that. I felt it in my heart. It was human. It was real.
I think back now and I believe it's carried on throughout life. We as adults still bully out peers. Countless relationships I encounter, I see bullying. I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years with a guy that just bullied the (evalivinschnite) outa me. And his friends who are good people deep down and i thought we built honest friendships with the other, were sheep, and would not stand up for what it right. The ones who weren't, didn't care, and we made it through that obstacle and are close friends till this day. I see it in marriages. I see it in people's jobs, careers. I bartend and I see it especially coming out with liquid courage and druken blurr. I see it in the local scene. It's sad. It's sad that life is just like grade school but we as adults have just built up a stronger tolerance for people's nasty attitudes. It also separates us for the worse and the better. It makes us wiser and that only grows as each year passes and as we get put through challenge after challenge, trial after trial in life. With what I've gone through in life I've learned the balance of the universe will not put you through something you cannot handle. It knows you can ultimately push through and rise above and conquer it all. Otherwise, life will find a way to eliminate it.
I regret nothing, even though its brought me to the lowest low. Without it, I cannot feel the high and,oh, how have I been up there. it is beautiful. As DaVinci once said," Once you have flown you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward; for there you have been, and there you long to be." And our eyes will not be set so high if it were for the people who ground us. All of the people. Bad and good. I appreciate and cherish all the people that have crossed paths in my life. They've built me to the person I am today and I think I have a good steady head on my shoulders. I am wise, and my sight has never been clearer. Still doesn't exclude that bullying is real. We need to be strong for the weak. You don't know what little action you do can save a life. In all aspects.
By writing some words below, you are showing your support and letting everyone know they're not alone.
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