i never really did fit in.

I moved to the bay area when i was in third grade, i was extremely shy and had a terrible speech impediment. I also was diagnosed with ADD and was sent back a grade. from that point on i was pushed around, treated horribly, and got beat up a lot. i had no idea how to tell my parents, i missed so much school just to avoid the people. When i went to middle school i thought it would get better, but it only got worse. I wasn't attractive and when i hit puberty i gained a lot of weight. people would pull at my long hair, call me aweful names, they would still beat me up and would steel my belongings. I would do my homework and someone would steel it from me, i was to shy to defend myself so again i missed school. finally in 8th grade i made some friends, they were shy like me and we could talk to each other about what was going on. unfortunately they got bullied for being around me, they stopped talking to me. thats when i started cutting, was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and anorexia. i tried to kill myself 4 times. my parents didn't know what to do, so they locked me away until Freshman year. they didn't know the whole story so they thought it was just me looking for attention. When i started high school suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend, i had lost so much weight that people wanted to date me, but because of my emptiness i chose to date someone for almost 2 years who abused me. I guess i was already used to people treating me that way so i took it, we separated for a bit but each time i took him back because i was so lonely. the verbal and mental abuse became physical and sexual. He would beat me and rape me, i finally got away when it came out he was cheating on me. i told my parents everything, we tried to press charges but had no evidence. i didn't want the world to know what happened, i felt embarrassed and that it was my fault so we stopped pursuing it. because of all these things that happened in my life I'm depressed, angry, still suicidal, still battle anorexia, and i still cut. in total i have tried to kill myself 10 times, each time i got so close. and each time failed miserably. but i try to use my story to help people. I am in a healthy loving relationship and have friends who love and care about me. i am in therapy and trying to get better. im not there yet but hopefully soon i will be. im a senior in high school, and no one even looks at me the wrong way now, people know i don't take crap from anyone. I have started fights in school cus i have seen people being bullied, im known as someone to be scared of but also someone who will take care of others. im literally everyones therapist. its pretty great, and someday i hope to be a teacher so no one has to go through what i had to go through. i want everyone to know they are loved and special <3

-Alex Smih

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