I'm an anxious person. My hands are always shaking. In fact, I don't think they ever stopped shaking since I reached high school and I don't think they will ever stop. At school I was bullied, at home I was insulted for all possible reasons. At 18 I left and decided to start my own life but not without several challenges. I took a healthy distance from most members of my family, I moved out of town, made new friends and quickly wanted to be loved by everyone. My self-esteem was (and still is) fragile and any mistake can make me hate myself. And so I used to show a fake smile to these said-friends. I had absolutely no limits and would tolerate anything as long as I was loved.
I slowly learned to stand up for myself and claim the respect I deserve. Some of these friends then naturally disappeared while I also met wonderful persons that are still close friends and confidents to this day. I met truly wonderful persons the moment I offered myself some respect! I also met an amazing caring boy who has now been my boyfriend for 3 years. I got back in touch with my family and started living finally what I was dreaming about all those years.
Even though I'm now surrounded by loving and caring persons, that ghost comes back and haunts me sometimes. I'm always analyzing everything I say or do, making sure I never make a fool of myself and I'm constantly living the shame that comes with a mistake or a wrong decision exponentially. I'm still the bullied in my heart per moments and I need to convince myself of my own value. I have amazing projects going on but often I will find excuses to stop them. I'm afraid to face failure or peoples' judgment. As if suddenly I could live these years back again.
I'm 27, I was bullied and while I'm doing way better than I ever did, while I now consider my life as being amazing, while being bullied made me stronger on several points, I'm still learning every day that I'm not a bullied anymore.
By writing some words below, you are showing your support and letting everyone know they're not alone.