Forever Hiding

Middle school was the toughest years of my life. It really started in 4th grade though when I realized I like girls. Of course being the age I was I didn't know what that meant so I just didn't tell anybody. That same year I was also diagnosed with Celiacs Disease. That means I ate weird food and couldn't eat what all the other kids ate. When I would sit down at a lunch table people would get up and leave and I would be left alone. I got called names, my lunch was stolen basically all of the typical bully things. When I reached 5th grade nobody made fun of me for my food because I moved schools. I was always moving school. I thought I would finally be normal. And in a way I was I just didn't think so. That was the year I fell head over heels for my best friend who, was a girl. I still didn't know what that meant but I was starting to get the idea that it wasn't socially acceptable to date girls, especially being in the school district that I am in. So I only told my dad. He seemed fine with it because he thought it was just hormonal. I've still never to this day told him I knew since 4th grade that I was gay. Well 5th grade went and passed and I went to middle school. In 6th grade everybody picked on me because I wore a cat collar to school instead of Hollister. It was a strange concept to people that someone could be so damn different and that scared them. I think that if it wasn't for my librarian I wouldn't be here today. She took me under her wing and taught me how to run the library. She was a mother to me when my own mother couldn't be there. In 6th grade I also met this girl named Ari. I should have just walked away then but I didn't. Looking back I'm glad I didn't because I am the person I am today because I didn't. But anyway we became really close friends. We slept over at each other's houses all the time. Well Ari had this friend named Betsy who hated me. I really don't know why and believe me, I asked her. Well in 7th grade they all decided collectively that they were going to make my life hell. I remember the most humiliating thing they did to me was have Ari steal my diary from when I slept over, read it and then tell everybody about what was in it. I had no secrets except 1, and that was I was a closeted gay. By 8th grade I was weary and ready to be done. They knew I heard their whispering and giggle. And I always heard about the rumours. It all hurt. Like every mean word was a knife and they just kept cutting me deeper and deeper each time. I came out at the end of 8th grade. I dated the only gay girl in my school but I wasn't happy. I'm still not happy. And I still have no secrets. But I guess I'm alive but what's the point if you only feel pain everyday? I keep asking myself this and have come to one conclusion. Because I have to believe that they were wrong. Every single hurtful word was wrong. I live because they were wrong and I will blossom to be someone far greater and they can't chain me down with their snickers and nasty rumours. I will grow and bloom no matter how much they try to stomp me out. And whoever is reading this, I want you to know that you can't let them smash you. THEY ARE WRONG AND DON'T YOU DARE BELIEVE THEM!!

With some much Love in my heart,

Raven <3

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