Battleing the Darkness

My story begins when I started 7th grade. I make it clear my life before then I had been picked on but it was never so bad that I just ignored it and dealt with it that way. In health class and what not that was what they recommended you to do when bullied. For the most part in my younger years that worked. I was happy kid, raised in a loving family and had good friendships. I knew nothing of the darkness that would follow. 

When I joined 7th grade in september 2008 I had weather through a rough summer, my kitten ( who I was very attached to) died suddenly. Being a kid and not experiencing a giant loss this was hard to handle and cope. For me that cat was a family member and was always there to cheer me up, and wanted nothing but love. It was hard, even now if I mention it I still get teary eyed. Anyway 7th grade was also a major adjustment I had moved to the high school. As the highschool building included the 7th and 8th grade. 7th graders were the lowest on the pecking order and always got bullied and picked on by higher grades. Mostly shoving and excluded etc. This didn't really bother me, the only time anything happened was when a high school jumped out of nowhere and scared me. Oddly enough the bullying that hurt me and tortured me day after day was done by those in my very grade. Even though I knew other girls probably made fun of me behind my back, it hurt but I let it go. It was the boys that did their bullying on me. I thought it weird because I was a girl, I wasn't expecting it. I swear it was worse. 

I don't know the exact day or month it started I know it was about making fun of me and my fascination with dragons. I always and always will be a person who loves dragons. Granted I'm not crazy. I own a few dragon T-shirts. Maybe 3 dragon themed pieces of jewelry, most of my stuff is collectables. I still made my love known by drawing dragons, writing about them, etc I'm extremely creative. Anyway I didn't see any harm, I wasn't hurting anyone. I didn't bring them up in all my conversations. I had social skills that didn't revolve around them. 

However was the days turned to months and I still ignored them I began feeling ashamed for my love. I become self conscious and barely showed any thing that would show I liked them. Doing that was hiding a part of myself. It hurt. I didn't want any trouble from anyone. I became afraid. In my fear I didn't enjoy being picked on and being walked on like a doormat. I festered in anger, and holding in rage wasn't good either. I remember wanting to hurt them. I wanted nothing but revenge. It scared me, because before that I wasn't a violent person. I wouldn't hurt a fly. I suffered many days, I was afraid to be alone in the school anywhere. In the school they bullied me in the hallways or in class and even in the crowded cafeteria. I was on the lunch line minding my own business. When they came out and made fun of me, a girl walked passed them and laughed with them. I wanted to disappear. The kid infront of me I knew I was hoping she'd help, she seemed nice and I thought wrong. That moment of helplessness is forever seared in my memory. By the end of the year I changed. I didn't recognize myself.  

At this point I didn't tell anyone. Fearful I'd cause a stir. In 8th grade is escalated, they never touched or hit me. I wish they did that way I'd have some way to fight back. Fear no controlled me, I was terrified to doodle dragons in my stupid planner because I might get picked on. One day I had enough and I told the canceler. This happened in  the middle of 8th grade. My parents were upset this was happening, I hated tell them it did. School was a battle ground. The school never did much and it sucked. 

As time went on it stayed the same,  few 'grew up' but the two bullies that made my life hell remained. At this time I had gained more weight, because I stress eating. It became harder to go to school and work but I did it. Fast forward to Sophomore year. As well a several bad health problems and friendship breakups. I had no one to lean on even though I had a few friends. After all the medical stuff I faced I was tired from the pain and suffering. I felt utterly alone. I think this was the darkest time in my life so far. This year unfortunately shaped me and scard me most. My personally was 100% more 'darker' than it ever was, I was negative in many ways my wardrobe went from nice light bright colors to black and dark colors all the time. I had learned to fear everything at school. I tried my best to disappear, I never made myself known in anyway, I was as submissive as possible so no one would think badly of me. I got used to working alone as to not bother any else because they didn't want me in their group. (It was even made clear to me one day). At the same time I tried to be as kind as possible, people can't hate on a person who was nice write? It semi helped. For the most part I was ostracized and ignored. The bullies when they had the chance they would through their normal cat calls at me. Being alone and in pain made me fall in a really deep depression, although now looking back I believe I had for a while before then. I worked harder in art that year. I improved my art skills, my acting skills, my singing skills, all of that to cope with everything. I also grew more aware of music and knowledge from victorian times. That was the only positive. 

However by the middle of winter the stress of being bullied as well as being depressed ( and no one knew at the time and I didn't tell anyone hell I didn't even admit to myself). I hated my life, I hated living and wanted to die so bad. What kept me going was knowing that I couldn't leave my pets, ( no one else knows how to care for them), the people who never did anything but love and admire me. A simple story helped me go on. Lastly, knowing that if I were to die I'd put everyone I love in the hell I was in. I thought I was monster, but I wasn't monstrous enough to do that. So I carried on.Winter turned to spring. March came around. The school had an assembly on bullying. This father came and talked about his kid, how he was bullied, how he tried to fight it. Ultimately between battling bullying and depression he killed himself. I remember sitting there crying, the pain this man showed got to me. As I sat crying he pleaded to the sea of kids before him,

"Don't bully" "Help someone if they are being bullied" "If you think you are depressed reach out"

It was in that moment I finally admitted to myself I had depression and I was very much in pain. This was around the time I was getting terrified that each day might be my last. I knew I was going to kill myself if I continued down this road. I don't think I was ever so close to death. Eventually after being forced by myself, I told my parents. Afterwards I got help, I got to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. All that. I was receiving therapy. Still, my school life was hell and with or without help I knew it was only a matter of time still even if it that day or my senior year. 

It was decided I was to be transferred. I was, I however waited a fer weeks because I was participating in the talent show. All that year I had practiced and practiced till my voice could sing like any professional. I admit not and then it wasn't perfect, but it was better than most and certainly better than anyone thought I could do. I preformed that night I stunned everyone, the next day I took half a day off and I disappeared. The week after I was transfered to my new school. As they say the rest is history.

Currently I'm 17 years old and in my Senior year. I receive medication and therapy still for my depression, it is more under control than it ever was. I'm able now to participate and voice my opinion and live and create without fear in my new school. This year I got on honor roll for the first semester. I haven't ever before. The school itself is made out of kids who transferred that were bullied. So its less frequent. Still happens, but more to people who have horrid hygiene or those who themselves are 'bullies' or those kids who usually disrupt everything. Even then, it even that severe. 

Even though all those times are in the past, the scars still exist and the demons they crated live still. Because of what happened to me, I fear people... by that I mean I'm terrified of being judged and judged wrongly. I still work in that 'submissive' role. I also should mention when I was diagnosed with depression I was also diagnosed with anxiety. Both are equally alive. I'm afraid to trust anyone, and still even though I know now I'm safe and people don't care I love dragons... I'm still scared for drawing them or wearing anything. I ignore that fear, but it still exists. Sometimes the depression gets stronger than me and I think about killing myself. I feel now as if I walk a fine line even though I'm more content now. The memories remain.  Before coming here I watched bully. I cried all the way through, I remembered the pain the fear and seeing it on other kids faces it kills me. I couldn't help but relive those dark times. That happens now and again. As if I have PTSD. I won't say my life is perfect now. But it's a thousand times better than it was in that hell hole, I shutter to think what would've happen If I been there. I don't think I would be alive to see senior year. I love life, I wanna live it to its extent. At times I hate life and want to die. I stay strong, I keep telling myself one day I will do nothing but live and never think of killing myself again. I hope and dream, and I hope one day I'm right. From the scared 12 year old girl I grew into an intelligent strong 17 year old young adult. This experience changed me negatively, but it changed me positively. I understand feelings better, I'm able to ask questions in a philosophical way, I want to learn more and yearn to improve on my multi art skills.  I became older than my years, but knowing the darkness I also became a better writer as well. 

I won't forget the past. If I did I wouldn't have my amazing gifts. Even though I wouldn't be carrying baggage anymore. I take everyday as it is, I know one day I'll learn to restore confidence in myself and love my self again. And the light will be apart of me just as the dark is currently.

I know its hard, stay strong. I can't promise you it will get better. Yet it could. I live for the 'could'. I believe in happiness.

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