My name’s Natasha. I’m 10 years old. I was a self-harmer. I’m in depression.
The reason is because of the pressure to be perfect.
At school, I have three best friends. But they don’t act like ones. They act like my bullies, determined to bully me until the end. They act like they care, but they really don’t. It takes them five minutes to get back to their selves. They are one of those people who think I’m a freak. Their names are Shannon, Martine and Marie.
Shannon is basically the boss. Don’t agree with her, you get in a fight with and the whole class will turn against you. We do get into fights a lot. All of them are her fault. But she’s too much of a spoilt brat to admit it. She always says I don’t care but in fact, if she spent more time not being a brat, maybe she’ll see how much I’ve tried. You know, it’s really funny how I always do all these nice things for her but she never notices. She, Martine and Marie always exclude me out of everything. Before it used to be Me, Martine and Marie, but Shannon came along and everything was ruined. We always fought and somehow, I was the one ending up being hurt. But even then, when it was Martine, Marie and me, everything wasn’t picture perfect. If I stand up to her about something and I’m right, she always says how mean I am and tells the other two not to talk to me. Shannon is always mean to me and all of them play rude, mean and really hurtful pranks on me. And they’re not funny at all. Shannon never admits she’s wrong. She makes unnecessary rude, hurtful comments.
Martine always blames everything on me and makes me feel guilty for the wrong reason. She’s never fair one me and feels the need to correct me on everything. She said I’m black (not true, I am just naturally tanned).
Marie is always sour to me. She goes with everything Shannon and Martine say and is mean to me.
All of them are rude to me and go with what each other say and never once stood up for me.
This girl, Katelyn, said I’m black.
Another girl, Faith, is so rude to me and hurts my feelings a lot. She treats me like I’m not there. This guy, Mark, said I’m mental too.
The whole class judges me on everything and calls me black, freak, mental, weak etc and a lot of other names. People taunt me a lot. They tease me for being sensitive and crying a lot.
I never really had a real friend.
I have an obsession with the singer Avril Lavigne and people say I’m a lesbian because of it.
I was once punched by a boy.
At home, everyone was so disappointed in me even when I tried my best. I was told I am a failure. My sisters think I don’t do my best but in reality I’m trying my best. One of them feels the need to criticize me even when I’m doing my best. The other asked why I’m such a failure child and then chanted in front of my Mom and me, “Natasha is a failure child!” My Mom laughed. Now that really stung. My Mom didn’t defend me or scold her or anything but if I said it there would be a whole lot of drama. And that night I thought my sister was right; mom didn’t love me at all. I cried myself to sleep already but then I had another reason to cry even harder.
I used to keep a compass in my bathroom and scratch myself each night. But I stopped when I found out it will make things worse.
All of that, made me realize how true everything everyone said was. I am weak. I am a freak. I am a failure. I am ugly. I can’t do anything right. Nothing at all.
I considered suicide, but then thought how I would go to hell for doing it.
I know I’m nothing. I cry myself to sleep every night.
The only reason I haven’t broken down completely yet, is because I know God put me with a plan on this Earth and if no one loves, He does and He cares.
I want to be perfect, believe me, but I can’t. I’m not one of those girls.
And all this time no one noticed how much I’m hurting.
My life feels like it’s caving in on me. I do feel like I don’t want to exist, like I just want to curl into a ball and go into that place between life and death. Saying “I don’t want to exist” isn’t saying “I want to die”. Its saying “I want to go somewhere and not have to feel”.
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