40 years later

I remember being so sad to go to school because I was one of those kids for whatever reason, that had no friends. I can't say I was a normal kid, but that may be my colored viewpoint from how many of the more popular kids, the meaner kids, treated me. I was very creative, very smart, very shy, and growing very tall in different parts of my body at different times, to where I would get taunts of being a Daddy Long Legs (spider). I remember kids yelling at me for stupid stuff, "are you GAY!!??" "ARE YOU!!?" (Im not, and wasn't but back then, only just not attractive to boys, but it was a supreme insult that they felt they were flinging my way) Other things, just cruel, in my face yelling, to which I had no response being just beaten to feeling I was truly weird and ugly and stupid and any other derogatory words you want to add to my internal tape.

I want to write now as an older person. I did manage to survive, but I remember having suicidal thoughts at nine years old, that I never talked about with anyone. I wanted to jab a sharpened number 2 pencil deep inside my chest and or just die in my sleep. Often I would go to sleep hoping i would never wake up. It was a peaceful thought to me then and remained so as I battled with my depression for years afterward.

Noone abused me per se. My family was beautiful and I love them, but they were unaware. I wanted them to be because I was so ashamed.

So when I went into therapy after my first suicide attempt at 26, the first question seemed to be was there family abuse. One therapist was looking hard at that but we couldn't find any to note...Perhaps a distant father (he worked alot)...but i think that is a stretch that avoided what I believe now was the root of my early depressed brain training. Bullying. 

Those constant negative words, happening so young in a childs mind, by seemingly everyone around them, can convince them that they don't deserve to live. This is what I believe happened to me. It has taken all of my 47years since before school childhood to mend what has been done to me in grade school.

I am working to rewire my brain, to live with major depression, and treat it. To think healthy thoughts. I can only now say I look at myself with love. Now that is a long time spent hating myself in life, but better late than never. I feel encouraged that I can at least become a happy older lady.

So PLEASE, continue this project, encourage school administrators to take this seriously. and THANK YOU for being here for those beautiful, misunderstood, creative brilliant kids, waiting to be relieved of the cruel barrage from other misguided children. The harm done is real, not imagined.

KIDS, if any of you have felt the same way, know that you are truly special and worth so much more. Hang on, love your self for your unique specialness that noone else has. Eventually you will love yourself enough to know inside that it is they who taunt with cruelty who are flawed, not you.

With Love



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